the world according to JEN

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Sunday, May 23, 2004
as you've noticed, i kind of gave up on blogging after my grandma died. just didn't feel the need and wasn't willing to make the time to post anything.

february was a really hard month for me. since i can't remember exactly how i was feeling toward the beginning of this academic year, i can't say with all certainty that it was the hardest month, but if not, it was very close. my grandma passing away was very difficult and stressful. accompanied by the grief was, of course, me feeling pitiful on all levels. i really took wallowing to an all time low. to be perfectly honest, i bought a pack of cigarettes because i figured i was never going to try them at any other point and things couldn't get much worse so i might as well. i ended up smoking some of two packs; funny how cigarette mooches show up even for first time smokers. teacher grace was the primary suspect. in any case, it was a rough month emotionally.

what i finally decided to do to get out of the funk was to try my hand at online dating. first, i just searched profiles on yahoo.personals for fun, then i decided WTF, i might as well actually ante-up and pay to meet some real, in the flesh, guys. it's interesting that it took me being depressed to make an concerted effort to really meet people. everyone told me i was being brave by trying online dating, but i looked at it as the most cowardly way to meet people since it's virtually anonymous, except for any pictures you post, and you're really only taking a risk if you exchange non-yahoo contact information and actually meet in person.

within the first week of signing up, i was getting lots of emails and i contacted prolly more than 20 guys. most of the guys who contacted me fit my usual profile of older, black, sketchy men, but there were a few exceptions. really i ended up focusing on 3 guys who i had contacted first who ended up emailing me back. ed, al, and kevin. ed=shaved head, black male, 26, worked in insurance in aurora, loved trance dance music. al=NU alum, 24, black male, from NJ, worked in advertising. kevin=shaved head, glasses, 27, white boy, worked at depaul, wrote poetry, from rural illinois outside chicago. this was the info that i started off with. not much to go on, but they all seemed nice. ended up meeting al to play pool with bich along since i was scared. was a nice guy, no major chemistry right off the bat, but i thought we might meet again. kept emailing with kevin and discovered we both loved "a perfect world" with kevin costner which kind of sealed the deal for me since that movie tears me up. met kevin a couple of days later and saw 21 grams after i got out of school. he emailed and wanted to have dinner and a drink with me on his 27th birthday (my half birthday), which made me nervous, but i went. i really liked him and was intrigued by his liberal beliefs, more rural upbringing, his hesitant intelligence, and his creativity. met up again on friday and sparks finally flew. everything changed after that. aside from spring break, we've been seeing each other most days of the week. it's been kind of an all consuming thing, which i've never experienced before. so much has happened since then.

went to NYC, visited meg and kristen and tamica, saw chris too. was sooo fun and made me miss all of them sooo much. meg, you're definitely my soul sister. talked to kevin almost everyday while i was away. ankur, sue, bri and dave visited all in the same weekend and i had lots of guests and fun with them as well as kim and kevin. saw kevin drunk at slugger's with sue; met his cousin yorn and his friend jason. parents visited and met kevin in person; dad was somewhat aloof, mom impressed and inquisitive. bought a new queen sized bed. went to a fake bachelorette party with teacher from school and ended up staying out until 4am with dave and alicia after grace and laurie left. i did miss charlie's. :) man, i can't even think of everything that's happened. alicia's sister had her baby and named it camilla. :) megan at school just had her baby too and named it george henry, kind of kingly. went to morris with kevin and met his mom and stepdad at the antique flea market. saw his grandmother (who just passed away like my grandma while we were dating)'s house which was the most crowded personal museum i've ever seen. loved his mom by the way. i think our moms would get along and be friends. if only they didn't live more than 4 hours apart. kevin signed a lease for a new apartment in west roger's park/edgewater, which he's super excited about because it has a back deck for him to grill on. met his co-workers, especially andrew and most recently alana. bri's also been in town twice to go to CPS job fairs. she's got interviews!!! everything should work out. hopefully we can find an affordable quality apartment next month.

i dunno. i wanted a change back in february and boy did i get one. i'm nearly broke moneywise, but i'm so happy to be in a relationship. bluntly, i'm so happy to be in love. it's crazy to say that and i hardly believe it myself most of the time, but i really just want to be with kevin all the freakin' time. we've both got our issues to sort out (me, my body issues and disbelief that someone could love me and him, his guilt issues and tendency to be overly self-critical to the point of anger), but i can see myself dealing with these things together. i hesistated to move in with him, even though i think it could work. i want to take some more time and figure out how to best preserve this relationship for as long as possible. i don't want to jinx anything, but i know i want to be with this white boy for a long time. ;) we can talk about the future so easily that it makes me hopeful at the very least. i'm the most comfortable around him that i've ever been around someone and i'm able to make compromises and not just think of myself with him. he treats me really well; he even took care of me when i got non-strep for 3 days and had to miss work. he thinks i'm beautiful and that make him want to be a better person. he's smart, engaging, and capable of making me care about sports, which i didn't think was possible any more. he was willing to meet my friends and spend time with them and my parents right away and he is willing to reassure me when i'm feeling doubtful. and he's got a sexy shaved head and a great voice to boot. i dunno, i really love him. i'm just waiting to see where it goes. i wish i could fastforward so technically we weren't still in the "early stages" of a relationship because it feels like it's been so much longer than it has been.

in any case we have lots of plans together. going to GR for memorial day weekend to see a tigers game in detroit, check out the beach and give him a tour of my hometown since i got one of his. going to play and ride bikes in the park, see movies at the outdoor film festival in grant park, maybe go to cedar point, definitely going to his friends wedding in wisconsin, and probably going to south carolina to hang out on the ocean and see his good friend. i just want to keep on making plans with him. so it's been a long while since february.

school's almost out, i have about a month to go. my kids are doing ok and we seem to have each other mostly figured out. i'm ready for the year to be over. i know what changes i have to make for next year, but who wants to think about that yet.

alright, i really should finish my laundry and get some stuff for school done. lastly, apologies to people i have deglected. i know i owe people phone calls and cards and visits. i couldn't deal with much in february and since then i've been ODing on kevin, so i'm still working on trying to find the balance while in a relationship. please give me some time and i'll figure it out. i still love you too! believe me!