the world according to JEN

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Wednesday, July 14, 2004
leaving for charleston tomorrow! yeah! please hope that i do not melt in the 90-feels like 100-degree heat.

incubus setlist- concert @ nationwide arena, columbus, oh 7/10/04 (compiled by bich and i, not in concert order, divided by album):
1. redefine
2. vitamin
3. idiot box
4. a certain shade of green
5. drive
6. the warmth
7. just a phase
8. wish you were here
9. nice to know you
10. megalomaniac
11. focus
12. pistola
13. priceless
14. sick sad little world
15. here in my room
16. criminal
17. talk show on mute
18. leech
19. plus a new song

Tuesday, July 13, 2004
i'm back. seems like most of my entries these days start this way. after a hiatus, i randomly decide i should write a post.

hmmm, what's new? my first school year as a teacher ended, thankfully. :) it was a rough road to the end, but i can gladly now say i made it through. i definitely know exactly what i want to change next year. as long as i get motivated again before the beginning of the school year, i think things will come together well next year, especially since i'm supposed to be teaching the same classes, only one less period of US and one more of EURO.

went to a wedding reception for one of kevin's college friends in lake geneva, wisconsin. the reception was on a boat! with an open bar! kevin and i were both trashed by the end of the night at the bar after the boat and we don't remember going back to our room. what else? helped kevin move into his new apartment in west edgewater near western and granville on and after july 1st. it's a great apartment, 3rd floor, sunny, 3 ceiling fans, a new couch from his brother tate. we got him lots of new stuff, 2nd hand writing desk with lots of character $25, 2nd hand dresser $20, cd tower that i picked from ikea, tv stand, new opened item flat screen tv, small kitchenette table like mine, new full sized bed from the same place i got mine, and new frame for the blueprint of the auditorium where he spent countless hours working at southern illinois university, where he went for undergrad. it was a lot of work moving him in and trying to help him feel settled, and the process is still not complete. he still wants to paint the trim, put up some more pictures, get a couple more shelves for dvds and books, and his real estate company needs to fix his broken dishwasher, leaky refridgerator and sink sprayer, and put in a new doorknob on the bathroom door. though some things are broken, we had a 4th of july party with friends from depaul (andrew, alanna, rob, and jeremy), his brother and his brother's partner (tate and dean), and my very own kim and darren. we bbqed steak and kebabs and had lots of beer, margerita's and mudslides while enjoying kevin's portion of the deck outside. was very nice.

bri and i found a new apartment a few weeks ago and will be moving in the first week of august. we looked at about 8 different places in edgewater glen (my new favorite neighborhood) and roger's park. we chose between two fabulous apartments, one on thorndale and one on glenwood. both were two bedrooms with a garage space, enclose staircase, laundry, available AC, dishwasher and such. we ended up choosing the more expensive of the two because it is a little bit more spacious, has a completely separate dining room (with a chandelier!!!), and an amazing backyard patio that the whole building shares. it's about 3 blocks from my current apartment in roger's park and is on the 1st floor which will be nice for moving. the place on thorndale was on the 3rd floor so that was also kind of a turn off. the funny thing about that place was it was the first place bri and i saw together and we loved it, so it made the process easier because we could just compare everything to that place. in the end, though we picked the more expensive place, i'll still be saving abotu $110 on rent each month! very exciting. so whenever you're in chicago, you'll have a great place to stay.

yesterday i got back from a weekend trip with bich to visit dianna in columbus. it was the 2nd annual visit dianna and see incubus in concert trip, as we did this exact trip last july to see her and incubus as lollapalooza. this year, the trip was more laid back because neither bich nor i really had to hurry back for anything and because dianna could afford to really hang out the whole weekend. also, the concert was just incubus and an opener so it didn't take up the whole day like lollapalooza. here's the rundown of the weekend:

bich flies back from vietnam via tokyo. jen waits at kevin's for bich's call. jen picks up bich 2 hours after she gets home. check out stuff bich and her mom bought--cheap shoes and spiderman 2 dvd?!? leave bich's at 2pm. 3 hours to travel 50 miles from mt prospect to indiana's I-65. drive like a madwoman through the rain to get to columbus at 11:30pm eastern time. meet dianna at her new HOUSE (well, it's technically half a house, but it's huge, much bigger than her last place and closer to OSU campus. her bedroom is the size of my apartment! one side is exposed brick just like me and bri's new place. something to get used to.) with ricky (her forestry loving boyfriend) and eric, a friend. change clothes (i gotta look good) and go to byrnes bar to meet law school people, including pat who came for dillo day last year yeah! also met elizabeth, gold-digging girl getting married on saturday who cheated on her fiance and he doesn't know it, but all the law students do!!! i got into a long political discussion/argument with a law guy named ryan who was a brainwashed republican, and i mean he believes everything the GOP tells him blindly. ugh. kinda funny though. ricky really likes dianna! quick stop taco bell, long girl talk with bich and dianna, sleep around 4:30am.

wake late saturday, bich uses dianna's roommate's shower!!! (which is a big deal
'cause her roommat, abby, an NU alum and med student is anal) sue calls and tells me that her dad had a heart attack. i freak out, but i can't do much from OH. need to go to GR asap and check on her. lunch with ricky and pat (egg/not egg sign, what do you think it means? duh, open/not open. me so stupid). amy comes over and explains the elizabeth drama in an amazing 30 minute saga. hang out, dianna dresses for wedding, sheryl comes over to babysit bich and i. walk to downtown columbus, eat appetizers at "the elevator," swankier restaurant. walk to nationwide arena, wait in line with hundreds of 15 year-olds and their parents to see concert. sheryl bought floor tickets!!! scary! scope out good floor location near stage on the right side. bored through opening band, sparta. dianna arrives during their set in her "blonds have more fun t-shirt," love the irony. i had to be a space nazi and ward off little blond teenagers and tall 18 year-old guys who thought they could take our space. we did not budge! i brought out my inner bitch, though that's not too hard as you all know. incubus rocks. set list included lots of stuff from their newest album "a crow left of the murder" as well as 4 songs off the first studio album "s.c.i.e.n.c.e." they did not play "summer romance." :( brandon sounded fantastic and had lots of energy, ben kenney is gorgeous and sings amazing harmony. mike eizinger is a talented guitarist. jose pasillas with his new shaggy hair killed the drum solo and dj chris kilmore had a kickass new instument that looked like a metal bbq stoker that he played by waving his hands in front of it. very cool. post concert snack, movie rental and ice cream purchase (with 5 minutes before both stores closed, annoying the video rental guy who had to open a new account for dianna). as usual, dianna picks terrible movie called "roman spring and mrs. stone." wtf!?! we all fall asleep before it's even close to done.

wake up sunday, still sleepy from lots of singing, yelling and dancing at the concert. lunch with pat and amy, my portion of quesadilla was small so i add a side salad. back to dianna's. too sleepy for tennis, too rainy for later volleyball practice. watch bad tv and nap. ricky helps out at columbus historic pool tour. yes, swimming pools. apparently it was very popular and he met the owner of a local deli who had a sick cherry tree that needed a ricky inspection. dianna's mom bought her a book about trees once ricky and dianna started going out, how cute is that?! decide to go to a mexican place for dinner with ricky, carrie, a waitress friend and aspiring art teacher, amy (who had just seen the bf who just broke up with her and basically told her he wanted her to be thinner, even though she's like a size 6-8), sheryl, and adam, ricky's white dreadlocked roommate. i inform bich of what 69 is after amy orders the mexican combo platter of that number and everyone giggles. head to the bowling alley next, meeting eric there. my practice throw is a strike, but the first 5 real frames are disappointing, usually starting with a gutterball and ending with 5-9 pins down. adam gives me pointers and we discuss rap and i get much better. i bowled a 97 and a 108 while drinking more beer. :) carrie bowls a turkey!!! bich had the funniest style of walk to the line, drop the ball basically and watch it slowly roll toward the pins. everyone enjoys. dianna wins a bet with ricky over best score and ricky and adam hilariously try too hard of a level on DDR (dance dance revolution-i love you dave!!!) after sheryl and dianna do well on the beginner level. head to coaches bar for one more beer and talk before things close at midnight. time for bed.

wait at 10am, shower and pack. quick sandwich at spinelli's deli, owned by the man with the sick cherry tree. drop dianna off at one of her three jobs (legal aid #1) and hit the highway. no rain today, traffic not as bad on a monday as a friday. leave columbus at 11:30 make it to bich's house by 5:30 by taking the northwest toll. kevin meets me at my place. god, i love that kid. he's as happy to see me as i am to see him. sushi and thai for dinner and back to his place for the night.

whew, what a weekend. now all i've got going on is dinner with darren and maybe movie in the park with darren, kim and kevin. tomorrow celebrating alicia's birthday late (she's getting back from hawaii and colorado today) with dinner with teachers and possibly bowling with kevin's alanna from depaul on top of laundry and packing since kevin and i are leaving for south carolina thursday evening. we hope to go kayaking, lounge on the atlantic beaches, visit middleton plantation, and possibly fort sumter. after that i have a doctor's appointment, trip to shipshewana, international soccer game at the new soldier field, and going to GR, all before bri and i move in on and after august 1st. then meg and kristen are coming to visit, right girls!?!?!! aggg!!! it's a lot to pack in, but it's all good stuff. ok, i've blathered enough for now. gimme all so we can catch up more!

Sunday, May 23, 2004
as you've noticed, i kind of gave up on blogging after my grandma died. just didn't feel the need and wasn't willing to make the time to post anything.

february was a really hard month for me. since i can't remember exactly how i was feeling toward the beginning of this academic year, i can't say with all certainty that it was the hardest month, but if not, it was very close. my grandma passing away was very difficult and stressful. accompanied by the grief was, of course, me feeling pitiful on all levels. i really took wallowing to an all time low. to be perfectly honest, i bought a pack of cigarettes because i figured i was never going to try them at any other point and things couldn't get much worse so i might as well. i ended up smoking some of two packs; funny how cigarette mooches show up even for first time smokers. teacher grace was the primary suspect. in any case, it was a rough month emotionally.

what i finally decided to do to get out of the funk was to try my hand at online dating. first, i just searched profiles on yahoo.personals for fun, then i decided WTF, i might as well actually ante-up and pay to meet some real, in the flesh, guys. it's interesting that it took me being depressed to make an concerted effort to really meet people. everyone told me i was being brave by trying online dating, but i looked at it as the most cowardly way to meet people since it's virtually anonymous, except for any pictures you post, and you're really only taking a risk if you exchange non-yahoo contact information and actually meet in person.

within the first week of signing up, i was getting lots of emails and i contacted prolly more than 20 guys. most of the guys who contacted me fit my usual profile of older, black, sketchy men, but there were a few exceptions. really i ended up focusing on 3 guys who i had contacted first who ended up emailing me back. ed, al, and kevin. ed=shaved head, black male, 26, worked in insurance in aurora, loved trance dance music. al=NU alum, 24, black male, from NJ, worked in advertising. kevin=shaved head, glasses, 27, white boy, worked at depaul, wrote poetry, from rural illinois outside chicago. this was the info that i started off with. not much to go on, but they all seemed nice. ended up meeting al to play pool with bich along since i was scared. was a nice guy, no major chemistry right off the bat, but i thought we might meet again. kept emailing with kevin and discovered we both loved "a perfect world" with kevin costner which kind of sealed the deal for me since that movie tears me up. met kevin a couple of days later and saw 21 grams after i got out of school. he emailed and wanted to have dinner and a drink with me on his 27th birthday (my half birthday), which made me nervous, but i went. i really liked him and was intrigued by his liberal beliefs, more rural upbringing, his hesitant intelligence, and his creativity. met up again on friday and sparks finally flew. everything changed after that. aside from spring break, we've been seeing each other most days of the week. it's been kind of an all consuming thing, which i've never experienced before. so much has happened since then.

went to NYC, visited meg and kristen and tamica, saw chris too. was sooo fun and made me miss all of them sooo much. meg, you're definitely my soul sister. talked to kevin almost everyday while i was away. ankur, sue, bri and dave visited all in the same weekend and i had lots of guests and fun with them as well as kim and kevin. saw kevin drunk at slugger's with sue; met his cousin yorn and his friend jason. parents visited and met kevin in person; dad was somewhat aloof, mom impressed and inquisitive. bought a new queen sized bed. went to a fake bachelorette party with teacher from school and ended up staying out until 4am with dave and alicia after grace and laurie left. i did miss charlie's. :) man, i can't even think of everything that's happened. alicia's sister had her baby and named it camilla. :) megan at school just had her baby too and named it george henry, kind of kingly. went to morris with kevin and met his mom and stepdad at the antique flea market. saw his grandmother (who just passed away like my grandma while we were dating)'s house which was the most crowded personal museum i've ever seen. loved his mom by the way. i think our moms would get along and be friends. if only they didn't live more than 4 hours apart. kevin signed a lease for a new apartment in west roger's park/edgewater, which he's super excited about because it has a back deck for him to grill on. met his co-workers, especially andrew and most recently alana. bri's also been in town twice to go to CPS job fairs. she's got interviews!!! everything should work out. hopefully we can find an affordable quality apartment next month.

i dunno. i wanted a change back in february and boy did i get one. i'm nearly broke moneywise, but i'm so happy to be in a relationship. bluntly, i'm so happy to be in love. it's crazy to say that and i hardly believe it myself most of the time, but i really just want to be with kevin all the freakin' time. we've both got our issues to sort out (me, my body issues and disbelief that someone could love me and him, his guilt issues and tendency to be overly self-critical to the point of anger), but i can see myself dealing with these things together. i hesistated to move in with him, even though i think it could work. i want to take some more time and figure out how to best preserve this relationship for as long as possible. i don't want to jinx anything, but i know i want to be with this white boy for a long time. ;) we can talk about the future so easily that it makes me hopeful at the very least. i'm the most comfortable around him that i've ever been around someone and i'm able to make compromises and not just think of myself with him. he treats me really well; he even took care of me when i got non-strep for 3 days and had to miss work. he thinks i'm beautiful and that make him want to be a better person. he's smart, engaging, and capable of making me care about sports, which i didn't think was possible any more. he was willing to meet my friends and spend time with them and my parents right away and he is willing to reassure me when i'm feeling doubtful. and he's got a sexy shaved head and a great voice to boot. i dunno, i really love him. i'm just waiting to see where it goes. i wish i could fastforward so technically we weren't still in the "early stages" of a relationship because it feels like it's been so much longer than it has been.

in any case we have lots of plans together. going to GR for memorial day weekend to see a tigers game in detroit, check out the beach and give him a tour of my hometown since i got one of his. going to play and ride bikes in the park, see movies at the outdoor film festival in grant park, maybe go to cedar point, definitely going to his friends wedding in wisconsin, and probably going to south carolina to hang out on the ocean and see his good friend. i just want to keep on making plans with him. so it's been a long while since february.

school's almost out, i have about a month to go. my kids are doing ok and we seem to have each other mostly figured out. i'm ready for the year to be over. i know what changes i have to make for next year, but who wants to think about that yet.

alright, i really should finish my laundry and get some stuff for school done. lastly, apologies to people i have deglected. i know i owe people phone calls and cards and visits. i couldn't deal with much in february and since then i've been ODing on kevin, so i'm still working on trying to find the balance while in a relationship. please give me some time and i'll figure it out. i still love you too! believe me!

Sunday, February 08, 2004
well, it's february and it's still cold. with winter comes snow, hermitude, and sometimes a natural sense of melancholy. this winter has been hard so far, not because of the extreme cold, but more because of my mental state. work has been going well, despite the unprofessional attitudes and actions of some of my colleagues and the immature behavior of many of my students. i feel like i'm learning a lot and doing the best i can while getting some sleep and having a social life, however limited. i know that i will be more prepared next year and hopefully have the chance to improve by teaching the same, if not similar, classes.

i survived history fair and observed the marked difference in the responsibilities of IB and non-IB teachers. quite a ridiculous rift surfaced in the department along with the cliques and even the racial element. it gave me a good chance to really feel out who was concered about me and who was possibly judging me. i stepped up in my role coordinating outside judges (parents) and i proved myself, i think, in front of my department chair, the ex-department chair, the veterans in the department and one of my mentors who said he felt like a "proud father."

every now and then, i'll have moments at school while talking with the kids or even sometimes in teaching when i remember how much fun it can be to work with students and what a great feeling it is to be liked and respected by them or to know that for that moment they really understood something even if it doesn't last. in any case, i'm a little more than halfway through the year, so hopefully i can make it all the way. did a lot of US planning with one of my colleagues, where we set out where we want to be by the end of the year, chapter by chapter.

so work is challenging, tiring, but going well considering. i love spending time with lots of my teacher friends, obviously alicia, who is finally back at LP in her reprisal of a long term english sub position.

on other fronts, things could be going better. still lamenting the lack of dates. i really don't have a lot of time for dating because of my job and all of the work after school hours, but when i do go out, i don't try super hard and i don't really run into people who seem like potentials. had a crush that is fading fast, since i haven't seen him in a month. dunno what to do really about the romance department. i'm tired of things as they are, but i'm not sure what i'm really comfortable doing to make changes.

as for family, this is the beginning of a really hard week. i was hoping to come home to GR this upcoming long weekend, but plans will have to change. my grandma gregory passed away last night. she was nearly 80 years old. she'd been in nursing care at the presbyterian homes in evanston for the past couple of years after moving with my grandpa out of their last house, into apartments at the presby homes and then finally nursing care. she had recently been fighting off pneumonia, a bed sore, and problems swallowing. she quickly deteriorated over a couple of days this past week and my mom got a call this friday morning saying she might not last the day. my mom and my aunts had made the decision together not to send her back to the hospitals or to have a feeding tube if things started to take turns for the worse. my grandma wanted no life preserving measures to be taken. she never wanted to be in a vegetative state, or even incapacitated to the point that she was near the end of her life.

she was always so in control. always. the kinds of things that people expected of her and admired her for stemmed from her ability to take charge, to lead, to teach, to nurture. she was incredibly determined and organized about taking care of the things and people she loved. she worked tirelessly to keep her home clean, her husband happy, and her religious views intellectually explored and taught. i remember her as an amazingly strong woman who people looked to for help and for an informed and trustworthy opinion. she was always a stable and caring part of my life. i grew up in her and grandpa's house in wilmette. it was my second home. even though her quality of life has not been good the past few years, it was natural that she was still alive. even as she was not her true self, because of her strong presence throughout her life, her presence even in dementia and immobility was felt strongly.

it has been so hard for me to watch her and grandpa age. i visited them less and less as they got worse and worse. i used to go by myself in college to see them, but in my senior year i only went a couple of times alone because it was so hard for me to see them losing control, especially my grandma who had always taken care of my grandpa. we thought we would loose him first, but grandma's health problems quickly surpassed those of grandpa in the last two years. i always felt guilty for not going alone any more. i went when my parents visited, but i often didn't talk as much. i always did what i could to help move them, dress them, get anything they needed, help a decision get made. but it was so hard to converse or show affection to my grandparents who just didn't seem like the people i grew up with.

and now grandma's gone for good. she was my last living grandma and the one who had the largest presence in my life. though i had mostly good relationships with three of my grandmas on my dad's side, i spent the most time and was the closest with my mom's mom. i have the most memories of her and her home. i always looked up to her and learned so many amazing values from her and it's strange knowing that she's not alive any more. it was time for the grandma's tired body to be relieved of her pain, her shrouded mind put to rest. but nonetheless, by saying goodbye to that tired body it means i also have to say goodbye to any chance of seeing the vibrant, strong and in control grandma again.

it's so odd. i wished for two years for my grandma to die and struggled to even visit to her as she deteriorated and her personality faded to its barest essentials. but now that she is gone, i feel so sad. when i got to the funeral home, and saw my mom, aunt, and grandpa the feeling of loss rushed over me. as i wheeled my grandpa's wheelchair towards the room holding grandma's body, i felt the inevitable upon me. seeing my grandma's body covered in a white hospital sheet from across the room was enough to break me down. i sat and cried while my aunt and my mom cried and took turns standing near her. touching her shoulder. my mom talking to her. i was wracked with the loss. the gaunt look of her stiff face tore at my heart. i stared at her and felt that at any moment she was going to wake up. though i have been to more than a half dozen funerals in my life of relatives and family friends, it's been a few years since the last one. and seeing grandma in that state was unbelievable. i almost said shocking, but it wasn't shocking. we all knew she was going to go, that she should go, but it was unbelievable to have to face the fact that she is gone.

when grandpa was ready to leave, which was surpringly soon after we arrived (he was ready before any of us to leave), i told my mom and aunt that i wanted to be alone with her for a few minutes and that i would catch up. i took a few minutes. i had been sitting at a couch about 6 feet away the whole time before. for some reason i didn't feel comfortable getting close to her in front of them. i wanted to wait until i was along to touch her and see her whole face. when they were entirely out of the room, i stood next to her, touched her stiff shoulder, stroked her cold face and limp hair. i told her how much i was going to miss her and that i was sorry for not being there for her near the end. i told her i loved her and kissed her cheek, while trying to control my sobs. it was the last moment i'll ever see her and even though it was a moment in the making these past two years, it was a moment that came suddenly, at the end of a stressful work week. suddenly after not seeing her for a couple of months. she's going to be cremated this week and hopefully we'll have the service on president's day. next monday. i have the day off from school and so does dad.

it's a hard, hard truth to swallow that she's gone, as much as i wanted her to be released from her debilitated existence. i have never had to live without her. and it's going to be especially hard to think of her as dead. i don't want to. i'm so lucky to have gotten to know her. i'm the oldest grandchild and it's a luxury my cousins did not have. i wish i had some wise or comforting last words for myself, but i don't right now. my mom and aunt and i were so exhausted emotionally at the end of the day that we were laughing about the idea of an urn and the abitrary ways that we dispose of bodies and the traditions we make up. and they are silly when you think about it. we talked about different memories of grandma throughout the day and smiled. but the bottom line is the sense of loss, a feeling that part of you has been removed. i don't want to say goodbye. i don't want to make grandma past tense. but i'm gonna have to.

i love you grandma. always.
adelaide gregory
march 9, 1924-february 6, 2004

Tuesday, January 20, 2004
my response to the state of the union:

fuck you, bush. the "war on terrorism" is a scare tactic. we've always had enemies; what are you going to do about opposition to our foreign policy? bombing the shit out of people doesn't solve america's image problem. reorganizing iraq in our own fucked up image is really noble. really. the patriot act is not the answer; demonizing people of particular backgrounds merely expands the prejudice and racial profiling that has plagued this country for years. weapons of mass destruction? really, other people have them? i wonder why! we only have a shitload of WMD and the money and the technology to make more. that's really fair to make sure no one else has them.

good job on the tax cuts. they really helped your average american. riiiiight. let's think about who you're trying to please there, how about the wealthiest americans who benefit from most of your policies. nice band-aid on the perscription drugs. how about actually promoting legislation to regulate the drug industry and the renewal of patents and generic drugs.

don't even get me started on the no child left behind act. as a first year teacher, even i know how much of a joke your "accountability" movement is. try actually funding schools before you require them to make every 3rd grader read at the 3rd grade level. just 'cause you got some tutoring and were able to make it to high school grade level when you turned 40, doesn't mean it's an easy thing to do, to help a child read. believe me, i have 15, 16, and 17 year-olds whom the education system has failed, but testing them doesn't help them a bit. i know they are behind, what is a standardized test going to do about it. try incentives for teachers, better teacher training, and a funding structure that actually gives schools in need money rather than penalizing them for underachievement.

and i saved the best for last, your nice little conservative ad campaign at the end. so glad that you respect individual rights and are against prejudice. too bad you don't want to uphold the basic principles of the constitution and give gay couples equal rights according to the law! instead, you'd rather say "screw you" to loving monogamous gay couples and help pass a fricking constitutional amendment to deny them by law their right to marriage. since when are you the moral authority, you drug-snorting idiot. it makes me feel so much better that you support funding for christian (oh, and right you slipped in jewish and muslim organizations in two words to appease minorities) charity organizations. glad to know that you support christian charity, but not the christian belief of saving judgment for god. you've obviously judged homosexuals to be immoral in some way, if you can't stomach them to be married.

man, that's it for now. i can't stomach thinking about GW any more. it's going to be a scary day in november and beyond if something doesn't change soon. i'd better read up on kerry, edwards, dean and clarke. the only people i'll consider. i keep changing my mind though. poor al sharpton and kucinich don't have a chance even though they have the real liberal vision.

oooo, i just remembered about the shit bush pulled on MLK jr day two years in a row. last year, coming out against affirmative action in the U of M case on his holiday. this year, having a $2,000 fundraising dinner on his holiday in atlanta and pretending at the last minute that you were there to place a wreath on MLK's grave. fat chance, you political prick. you can't fool me!

Monday, January 19, 2004
almost forgot! travesty!

as northwestern always likes to put it:

Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
-Martin Luther King jr.

ironic since i decided on friday that dave not only has gaydar, but he also has "injustice radar."

what a mixed bag weekend. always such highs and lows.

friday-->good day at school, martin luther king lesson and discussion, singing john brown's body with reluctant kids, short department meeting. drinks with teachers after school at the store, alicia joins, dave unzips his pants to prove he's a brief man (!), make quick dinner, drive to hyde park for katie's bday, michael is there but he's just another nice guy (dunno if he's at all interested, ugh), partying with u of chicago is so funny, go to restaurant by day, juke club by night, clear division between u of chicago kids and south siders, i'm disgusted by the airiel juking (read sex act on the dance floor with cothes on), but my new carleton buddies morgan and linda have left, so i'm chillin alone getting all depressive, alicia meets martin (swiss german lawyer), i stay over to make sure she's not alone completely with him all night.

saturday-->alicia and i are both in somewhat depressive states, 'cause she's convinced martin will not call like he said he would. me, because it was an uncomfortable night and my crush did not progress past crush. there's still time and opportunity, but i'm pretty discouraged right now. we chill and watch tv, pop in "liberty heights," go to the pancake house for lunch (nice to be at places where it's mostly black people and the others are the minorities). martin calls (!) and i check out so that she can have her romantic date. bitch and complain on the phone to sue and bri (sorry about my mood ladies), and then drive to mt. prospect to chill with bich so i'm not alone. we eat something at baker's square and then retreat to her house to chill and play the sims (we made a kick ass house that we lost when her computer crashed!). drove back to my place to sleep.

sunday-->this was my i'm a domestic goddess day. woke up and put on NPRs sunday jazz show with dick buckly (old man who rocks), started laundry, cut many, many coupons, redid my grocery list, got the recycling in order, made summer pasta with tomatoes and mozzarela, potato soup with cheese, broccoli, carrots and such, and bourbon chicken with soco, maple syrup, and oj. later i marinated two pork chops (one brown sauce and the other lemon herb). i'm trying to have lots of food made for the week since i'm going to be busy after school a lot of the time even though it's only a 4 day week. grocery shopped like a mad woman and spent lots of money, but saved $12 with my jewel card and another $15 in coupons. :) go me! came home, made a frozen cheese pizza, got dressed and then jumped on the el. sucks that the fares went up!!! round trip is now $3.50 instead of $3. waited 20 minutes in the cold for the #74 bus at fullerton (good thing i was drinking gin and tonic with lime in my dr. pepper can). made it to quenchers around 9pm. the old spanish teacher who left to be an assistant principle, correa, was there! very nice to see him, such an attractive, friendly, caring and responsible puerto rican man. luz (with her parents and brother and friends!), laurie, trish, grace, liz, dave, and rebecca were all already there, so glad to see them! they were just what i needed. saw some pictures from trish's thailand trip, cow, her man, is cute. they all laughed that i was drinking on the bus, they didn't expect that from me i guess. bought drinks and got bought drinks, stuck with soco and coke most of the night. alicia arrived and joined the party, filled me in on her second date with martin which was equally nice as the first. watched some karaoke, including rebecca, we ALL got hit on by an older puerto rican man and a 22-year-old "straight" actor/dancer/model who dropped out of high school in the 9th grade. very funny. dave suggests going to hydrate and of course i jump on the band wagon. i drive with alicia and we actually go to spin first, which was odd because on the dance floor were lots of latino men who were definitely looking for women to dance with. danced with raul twice, too bad i wasn't feeling super coordinated, but i didn't do sooooo bad. (at the end of us dancing, raul says "i look like a faggot, but i am not a faggot." wow, it really turns my on when you speak offensively to me.) alicia and laurie decide to go home, leaving grace, rebecca, dave and myself. dave and i walk arm in arm to hydrate and discuss his new man, who he absolutely really likes a lot, but he can't get no sleep! (ha, lucky him, and apparently the girl who lives above me! yuck!) gotta love gay bars/clubs. dave runs into a friend right away and the 3 girls hit the dance floor. very nice. dance with some shirtless sweaty men who claim they are not gay, hmmmm. dave finally joins us around 2:45 and promptly removes his shirt, revealing the gorgeous man that he is. no wonder every female teacher at LPHS is in love with him. and we dance, we dance, we dance. grace and dave have no shame in getting freaky, and pretty soon neither do i. it's so funny when you cross weird boundaries like that. mentor teacher/friend/hot man. whatever. if only i could clone a straight version of dave. grace kindly drives us home. i get a snack before bed to fill the tummy and aid the sobering up.

monday-->typing this blog message. lots of lesson planning to do, but i don't want to do it. at least i already did laundry and shopping. still too much time to think about michael and shit and boys. so as you can see it was a mixed bag weekend. i need to remember that whenever i'm feeling down i just need to call the teacher crew and/or go to a gay bar. :) so sad, but this is my life. even my mom agrees i will never meet a guy this way, but i can't help it. i'm in this self-destructive pleasure seeking pattern. the thing is i know that i will not meet a datable guy at a bar anyway, so i figure when i go out that's not the mission. maybe it should be, but up 'til this point i've only been hit on by my traditional sketchy profile of men and every so often a horny young attractive man who wants nothing but ass, which i am only willing to give on a reasonable level on the dance floor or briefly on new years eve or my drunk ass birthday. ;) i can't believe i've now technically kissed 3 guys, but then again i can't believe i've only kissed 3 guys, and i mean only kissed with one painfully obvious exception. he called by the way, should i call back? yo no say. ugh, ugh, and more ugh. work is going well. my apartment is fab. sue and bri and i are going to live in a palace in andersonville next year, i'm convinced. but where, oh where, is my love life? MIA as usual. well, i really ought to take advantage of this extra day and get lots of work done. might go to work at a coffeeshop, either panini panini or cocoabean expressions, i haven't decided. give me out shout out later electronic readers. much love.

Wednesday, January 14, 2004
small revelations about teaching and working in general from sham and i.

shannonmok (6:57:22 PM): how's work going?
jwindy23 (6:57:34 PM): good, not so bad, but i keep not going to bed really late
jwindy23 (6:57:56 PM): how are you doing?
shannonmok (6:58:12 PM): good
shannonmok (6:58:16 PM): just chilling
shannonmok (6:58:43 PM): been stuck in a mindless project at work
jwindy23 (6:59:05 PM): ugh, that's no good
shannonmok (6:59:36 PM): no, not at all
shannonmok (6:59:42 PM): beats having nothing to do though
jwindy23 (7:00:03 PM): yeah, i thought about that today
jwindy23 (7:00:10 PM): i wondered if i could really just not work
jwindy23 (7:00:12 PM): like if i was rich
jwindy23 (7:00:15 PM): and i didn't have to
jwindy23 (7:00:20 PM): would i enjoy not doing anything
jwindy23 (7:00:26 PM): or would i work just to have something to do
shannonmok (7:00:26 PM): i don't think i would
jwindy23 (7:00:28 PM): some purpose
jwindy23 (7:00:33 PM): yeah, me neither
shannonmok (7:00:34 PM): i need purpose
jwindy23 (7:00:38 PM): i would cut back on the hours though
jwindy23 (7:00:49 PM): it would be like a 4-5 hour workday ;-)
shannonmok (7:00:54 PM): haha
shannonmok (7:00:58 PM): still teaching?
shannonmok (7:01:02 PM): or doing something else?
jwindy23 (7:01:33 PM): i dunno
jwindy23 (7:01:48 PM): if i could teach and plan and grade in the 4-5 hours i think i'd still teach
jwindy23 (7:01:57 PM): but if not, then i'd do something that doesn't require homework
jwindy23 (7:02:01 PM): for the adult
shannonmok (7:02:18 PM): yeah
shannonmok (7:02:22 PM): are you getting more used to it?
jwindy23 (7:04:13 PM): yeah, most definitely
jwindy23 (7:04:25 PM): i'm very used to it, doesn't mean i like it though ;-)
jwindy23 (7:04:42 PM): i can't wait for next year. if i teach the same classes at least i'll have lots of materials prepared
jwindy23 (7:04:51 PM): when i have time i can plan new stuff