the world according to JEN

2004-07-14T15:19:00.000-05:00

leaving for charleston tomorrow! yeah! please hope that i do not melt in the 90-feels like 100-degree heat.

incubus setlist- concert @ nationwide arena, columbus, oh 7/10/04 (compiled by bich and i, not in concert order, divided by album):
1. redefine
2. vitamin
3. idiot box
4. a certain shade of green
-
5. drive
6. the warmth
-
7. just a phase
8. wish you were here
9. nice to know you
-
10. megalomaniac
11. focus
12. pistola
13. priceless
14. sick sad little world
15. here in my room
16. criminal
17. talk show on mute
18. leech
-
19. plus a new song

2004-07-13T09:59:00.000-05:00

i'm back. seems like most of my entries these days start this way. after a hiatus, i randomly decide i should write a post.

hmmm, what's new? my first school year as a teacher ended, thankfully. :) it was a rough road to the end, but i can gladly now say i made it through. i definitely know exactly what i want to change next year. as long as i get motivated again before the beginning of the school year, i think things will come together well next year, especially since i'm supposed to be teaching the same classes, only one less period of US and one more of EURO.

went to a wedding reception for one of kevin's college friends in lake geneva, wisconsin. the reception was on a boat! with an open bar! kevin and i were both trashed by the end of the night at the bar after the boat and we don't remember going back to our room. what else? helped kevin move into his new apartment in west edgewater near western and granville on and after july 1st. it's a great apartment, 3rd floor, sunny, 3 ceiling fans, a new couch from his brother tate. we got him lots of new stuff, 2nd hand writing desk with lots of character $25, 2nd hand dresser $20, cd tower that i picked from ikea, tv stand, new opened item flat screen tv, small kitchenette table like mine, new full sized bed from the same place i got mine, and new frame for the blueprint of the auditorium where he spent countless hours working at southern illinois university, where he went for undergrad. it was a lot of work moving him in and trying to help him feel settled, and the process is still not complete. he still wants to paint the trim, put up some more pictures, get a couple more shelves for dvds and books, and his real estate company needs to fix his broken dishwasher, leaky refridgerator and sink sprayer, and put in a new doorknob on the bathroom door. though some things are broken, we had a 4th of july party with friends from depaul (andrew, alanna, rob, and jeremy), his brother and his brother's partner (tate and dean), and my very own kim and darren. we bbqed steak and kebabs and had lots of beer, margerita's and mudslides while enjoying kevin's portion of the deck outside. was very nice.

bri and i found a new apartment a few weeks ago and will be moving in the first week of august. we looked at about 8 different places in edgewater glen (my new favorite neighborhood) and roger's park. we chose between two fabulous apartments, one on thorndale and one on glenwood. both were two bedrooms with a garage space, enclose staircase, laundry, available AC, dishwasher and such. we ended up choosing the more expensive of the two because it is a little bit more spacious, has a completely separate dining room (with a chandelier!!!), and an amazing backyard patio that the whole building shares. it's about 3 blocks from my current apartment in roger's park and is on the 1st floor which will be nice for moving. the place on thorndale was on the 3rd floor so that was also kind of a turn off. the funny thing about that place was it was the first place bri and i saw together and we loved it, so it made the process easier because we could just compare everything to that place. in the end, though we picked the more expensive place, i'll still be saving abotu $110 on rent each month! very exciting. so whenever you're in chicago, you'll have a great place to stay.

yesterday i got back from a weekend trip with bich to visit dianna in columbus. it was the 2nd annual visit dianna and see incubus in concert trip, as we did this exact trip last july to see her and incubus as lollapalooza. this year, the trip was more laid back because neither bich nor i really had to hurry back for anything and because dianna could afford to really hang out the whole weekend. also, the concert was just incubus and an opener so it didn't take up the whole day like lollapalooza. here's the rundown of the weekend:

bich flies back from vietnam via tokyo. jen waits at kevin's for bich's call. jen picks up bich 2 hours after she gets home. check out stuff bich and her mom bought--cheap shoes and spiderman 2 dvd?!? leave bich's at 2pm. 3 hours to travel 50 miles from mt prospect to indiana's I-65. drive like a madwoman through the rain to get to columbus at 11:30pm eastern time. meet dianna at her new HOUSE (well, it's technically half a house, but it's huge, much bigger than her last place and closer to OSU campus. her bedroom is the size of my apartment! one side is exposed brick just like me and bri's new place. something to get used to.) with ricky (her forestry loving boyfriend) and eric, a friend. change clothes (i gotta look good) and go to byrnes bar to meet law school people, including pat who came for dillo day last year yeah! also met elizabeth, gold-digging girl getting married on saturday who cheated on her fiance and he doesn't know it, but all the law students do!!! i got into a long political discussion/argument with a law guy named ryan who was a brainwashed republican, and i mean he believes everything the GOP tells him blindly. ugh. kinda funny though. ricky really likes dianna! quick stop taco bell, long girl talk with bich and dianna, sleep around 4:30am.

wake late saturday, bich uses dianna's roommate's shower!!! (which is a big deal
'cause her roommat, abby, an NU alum and med student is anal) sue calls and tells me that her dad had a heart attack. i freak out, but i can't do much from OH. need to go to GR asap and check on her. lunch with ricky and pat (egg/not egg sign, what do you think it means? duh, open/not open. me so stupid). amy comes over and explains the elizabeth drama in an amazing 30 minute saga. hang out, dianna dresses for wedding, sheryl comes over to babysit bich and i. walk to downtown columbus, eat appetizers at "the elevator," swankier restaurant. walk to nationwide arena, wait in line with hundreds of 15 year-olds and their parents to see concert. sheryl bought floor tickets!!! scary! scope out good floor location near stage on the right side. bored through opening band, sparta. dianna arrives during their set in her "blonds have more fun t-shirt," love the irony. i had to be a space nazi and ward off little blond teenagers and tall 18 year-old guys who thought they could take our space. we did not budge! i brought out my inner bitch, though that's not too hard as you all know. incubus rocks. set list included lots of stuff from their newest album "a crow left of the murder" as well as 4 songs off the first studio album "s.c.i.e.n.c.e." they did not play "summer romance." :( brandon sounded fantastic and had lots of energy, ben kenney is gorgeous and sings amazing harmony. mike eizinger is a talented guitarist. jose pasillas with his new shaggy hair killed the drum solo and dj chris kilmore had a kickass new instument that looked like a metal bbq stoker that he played by waving his hands in front of it. very cool. post concert snack, movie rental and ice cream purchase (with 5 minutes before both stores closed, annoying the video rental guy who had to open a new account for dianna). as usual, dianna picks terrible movie called "roman spring and mrs. stone." wtf!?! we all fall asleep before it's even close to done.

wake up sunday, still sleepy from lots of singing, yelling and dancing at the concert. lunch with pat and amy, my portion of quesadilla was small so i add a side salad. back to dianna's. too sleepy for tennis, too rainy for later volleyball practice. watch bad tv and nap. ricky helps out at columbus historic pool tour. yes, swimming pools. apparently it was very popular and he met the owner of a local deli who had a sick cherry tree that needed a ricky inspection. dianna's mom bought her a book about trees once ricky and dianna started going out, how cute is that?! decide to go to a mexican place for dinner with ricky, carrie, a waitress friend and aspiring art teacher, amy (who had just seen the bf who just broke up with her and basically told her he wanted her to be thinner, even though she's like a size 6-8), sheryl, and adam, ricky's white dreadlocked roommate. i inform bich of what 69 is after amy orders the mexican combo platter of that number and everyone giggles. head to the bowling alley next, meeting eric there. my practice throw is a strike, but the first 5 real frames are disappointing, usually starting with a gutterball and ending with 5-9 pins down. adam gives me pointers and we discuss rap and i get much better. i bowled a 97 and a 108 while drinking more beer. :) carrie bowls a turkey!!! bich had the funniest style of walk to the line, drop the ball basically and watch it slowly roll toward the pins. everyone enjoys. dianna wins a bet with ricky over best score and ricky and adam hilariously try too hard of a level on DDR (dance dance revolution-i love you dave!!!) after sheryl and dianna do well on the beginner level. head to coaches bar for one more beer and talk before things close at midnight. time for bed.

wait at 10am, shower and pack. quick sandwich at spinelli's deli, owned by the man with the sick cherry tree. drop dianna off at one of her three jobs (legal aid #1) and hit the highway. no rain today, traffic not as bad on a monday as a friday. leave columbus at 11:30 make it to bich's house by 5:30 by taking the northwest toll. kevin meets me at my place. god, i love that kid. he's as happy to see me as i am to see him. sushi and thai for dinner and back to his place for the night.

whew, what a weekend. now all i've got going on is dinner with darren and maybe movie in the park with darren, kim and kevin. tomorrow celebrating alicia's birthday late (she's getting back from hawaii and colorado today) with dinner with teachers and possibly bowling with kevin's alanna from depaul on top of laundry and packing since kevin and i are leaving for south carolina thursday evening. we hope to go kayaking, lounge on the atlantic beaches, visit middleton plantation, and possibly fort sumter. after that i have a doctor's appointment, trip to shipshewana, international soccer game at the new soldier field, and going to GR, all before bri and i move in on and after august 1st. then meg and kristen are coming to visit, right girls!?!?!! aggg!!! it's a lot to pack in, but it's all good stuff. ok, i've blathered enough for now. gimme all so we can catch up more!

2004-05-23T15:58:00.000-05:00

as you've noticed, i kind of gave up on blogging after my grandma died. just didn't feel the need and wasn't willing to make the time to post anything.

february was a really hard month for me. since i can't remember exactly how i was feeling toward the beginning of this academic year, i can't say with all certainty that it was the hardest month, but if not, it was very close. my grandma passing away was very difficult and stressful. accompanied by the grief was, of course, me feeling pitiful on all levels. i really took wallowing to an all time low. to be perfectly honest, i bought a pack of cigarettes because i figured i was never going to try them at any other point and things couldn't get much worse so i might as well. i ended up smoking some of two packs; funny how cigarette mooches show up even for first time smokers. teacher grace was the primary suspect. in any case, it was a rough month emotionally.

what i finally decided to do to get out of the funk was to try my hand at online dating. first, i just searched profiles on yahoo.personals for fun, then i decided WTF, i might as well actually ante-up and pay to meet some real, in the flesh, guys. it's interesting that it took me being depressed to make an concerted effort to really meet people. everyone told me i was being brave by trying online dating, but i looked at it as the most cowardly way to meet people since it's virtually anonymous, except for any pictures you post, and you're really only taking a risk if you exchange non-yahoo contact information and actually meet in person.

within the first week of signing up, i was getting lots of emails and i contacted prolly more than 20 guys. most of the guys who contacted me fit my usual profile of older, black, sketchy men, but there were a few exceptions. really i ended up focusing on 3 guys who i had contacted first who ended up emailing me back. ed, al, and kevin. ed=shaved head, black male, 26, worked in insurance in aurora, loved trance dance music. al=NU alum, 24, black male, from NJ, worked in advertising. kevin=shaved head, glasses, 27, white boy, worked at depaul, wrote poetry, from rural illinois outside chicago. this was the info that i started off with. not much to go on, but they all seemed nice. ended up meeting al to play pool with bich along since i was scared. was a nice guy, no major chemistry right off the bat, but i thought we might meet again. kept emailing with kevin and discovered we both loved "a perfect world" with kevin costner which kind of sealed the deal for me since that movie tears me up. met kevin a couple of days later and saw 21 grams after i got out of school. he emailed and wanted to have dinner and a drink with me on his 27th birthday (my half birthday), which made me nervous, but i went. i really liked him and was intrigued by his liberal beliefs, more rural upbringing, his hesitant intelligence, and his creativity. met up again on friday and sparks finally flew. everything changed after that. aside from spring break, we've been seeing each other most days of the week. it's been kind of an all consuming thing, which i've never experienced before. so much has happened since then.

went to NYC, visited meg and kristen and tamica, saw chris too. was sooo fun and made me miss all of them sooo much. meg, you're definitely my soul sister. talked to kevin almost everyday while i was away. ankur, sue, bri and dave visited all in the same weekend and i had lots of guests and fun with them as well as kim and kevin. saw kevin drunk at slugger's with sue; met his cousin yorn and his friend jason. parents visited and met kevin in person; dad was somewhat aloof, mom impressed and inquisitive. bought a new queen sized bed. went to a fake bachelorette party with teacher from school and ended up staying out until 4am with dave and alicia after grace and laurie left. i did miss charlie's. :) man, i can't even think of everything that's happened. alicia's sister had her baby and named it camilla. :) megan at school just had her baby too and named it george henry, kind of kingly. went to morris with kevin and met his mom and stepdad at the antique flea market. saw his grandmother (who just passed away like my grandma while we were dating)'s house which was the most crowded personal museum i've ever seen. loved his mom by the way. i think our moms would get along and be friends. if only they didn't live more than 4 hours apart. kevin signed a lease for a new apartment in west roger's park/edgewater, which he's super excited about because it has a back deck for him to grill on. met his co-workers, especially andrew and most recently alana. bri's also been in town twice to go to CPS job fairs. she's got interviews!!! everything should work out. hopefully we can find an affordable quality apartment next month.

i dunno. i wanted a change back in february and boy did i get one. i'm nearly broke moneywise, but i'm so happy to be in a relationship. bluntly, i'm so happy to be in love. it's crazy to say that and i hardly believe it myself most of the time, but i really just want to be with kevin all the freakin' time. we've both got our issues to sort out (me, my body issues and disbelief that someone could love me and him, his guilt issues and tendency to be overly self-critical to the point of anger), but i can see myself dealing with these things together. i hesistated to move in with him, even though i think it could work. i want to take some more time and figure out how to best preserve this relationship for as long as possible. i don't want to jinx anything, but i know i want to be with this white boy for a long time. ;) we can talk about the future so easily that it makes me hopeful at the very least. i'm the most comfortable around him that i've ever been around someone and i'm able to make compromises and not just think of myself with him. he treats me really well; he even took care of me when i got non-strep for 3 days and had to miss work. he thinks i'm beautiful and that make him want to be a better person. he's smart, engaging, and capable of making me care about sports, which i didn't think was possible any more. he was willing to meet my friends and spend time with them and my parents right away and he is willing to reassure me when i'm feeling doubtful. and he's got a sexy shaved head and a great voice to boot. i dunno, i really love him. i'm just waiting to see where it goes. i wish i could fastforward so technically we weren't still in the "early stages" of a relationship because it feels like it's been so much longer than it has been.

in any case we have lots of plans together. going to GR for memorial day weekend to see a tigers game in detroit, check out the beach and give him a tour of my hometown since i got one of his. going to play and ride bikes in the park, see movies at the outdoor film festival in grant park, maybe go to cedar point, definitely going to his friends wedding in wisconsin, and probably going to south carolina to hang out on the ocean and see his good friend. i just want to keep on making plans with him. so it's been a long while since february.

school's almost out, i have about a month to go. my kids are doing ok and we seem to have each other mostly figured out. i'm ready for the year to be over. i know what changes i have to make for next year, but who wants to think about that yet.

alright, i really should finish my laundry and get some stuff for school done. lastly, apologies to people i have deglected. i know i owe people phone calls and cards and visits. i couldn't deal with much in february and since then i've been ODing on kevin, so i'm still working on trying to find the balance while in a relationship. please give me some time and i'll figure it out. i still love you too! believe me!

2004-02-08T01:05:00.000-06:00

well, it's february and it's still cold. with winter comes snow, hermitude, and sometimes a natural sense of melancholy. this winter has been hard so far, not because of the extreme cold, but more because of my mental state. work has been going well, despite the unprofessional attitudes and actions of some of my colleagues and the immature behavior of many of my students. i feel like i'm learning a lot and doing the best i can while getting some sleep and having a social life, however limited. i know that i will be more prepared next year and hopefully have the chance to improve by teaching the same, if not similar, classes.

i survived history fair and observed the marked difference in the responsibilities of IB and non-IB teachers. quite a ridiculous rift surfaced in the department along with the cliques and even the racial element. it gave me a good chance to really feel out who was concered about me and who was possibly judging me. i stepped up in my role coordinating outside judges (parents) and i proved myself, i think, in front of my department chair, the ex-department chair, the veterans in the department and one of my mentors who said he felt like a "proud father."

every now and then, i'll have moments at school while talking with the kids or even sometimes in teaching when i remember how much fun it can be to work with students and what a great feeling it is to be liked and respected by them or to know that for that moment they really understood something even if it doesn't last. in any case, i'm a little more than halfway through the year, so hopefully i can make it all the way. did a lot of US planning with one of my colleagues, where we set out where we want to be by the end of the year, chapter by chapter.

so work is challenging, tiring, but going well considering. i love spending time with lots of my teacher friends, obviously alicia, who is finally back at LP in her reprisal of a long term english sub position.

on other fronts, things could be going better. still lamenting the lack of dates. i really don't have a lot of time for dating because of my job and all of the work after school hours, but when i do go out, i don't try super hard and i don't really run into people who seem like potentials. had a crush that is fading fast, since i haven't seen him in a month. dunno what to do really about the romance department. i'm tired of things as they are, but i'm not sure what i'm really comfortable doing to make changes.

as for family, this is the beginning of a really hard week. i was hoping to come home to GR this upcoming long weekend, but plans will have to change. my grandma gregory passed away last night. she was nearly 80 years old. she'd been in nursing care at the presbyterian homes in evanston for the past couple of years after moving with my grandpa out of their last house, into apartments at the presby homes and then finally nursing care. she had recently been fighting off pneumonia, a bed sore, and problems swallowing. she quickly deteriorated over a couple of days this past week and my mom got a call this friday morning saying she might not last the day. my mom and my aunts had made the decision together not to send her back to the hospitals or to have a feeding tube if things started to take turns for the worse. my grandma wanted no life preserving measures to be taken. she never wanted to be in a vegetative state, or even incapacitated to the point that she was near the end of her life.

she was always so in control. always. the kinds of things that people expected of her and admired her for stemmed from her ability to take charge, to lead, to teach, to nurture. she was incredibly determined and organized about taking care of the things and people she loved. she worked tirelessly to keep her home clean, her husband happy, and her religious views intellectually explored and taught. i remember her as an amazingly strong woman who people looked to for help and for an informed and trustworthy opinion. she was always a stable and caring part of my life. i grew up in her and grandpa's house in wilmette. it was my second home. even though her quality of life has not been good the past few years, it was natural that she was still alive. even as she was not her true self, because of her strong presence throughout her life, her presence even in dementia and immobility was felt strongly.

it has been so hard for me to watch her and grandpa age. i visited them less and less as they got worse and worse. i used to go by myself in college to see them, but in my senior year i only went a couple of times alone because it was so hard for me to see them losing control, especially my grandma who had always taken care of my grandpa. we thought we would loose him first, but grandma's health problems quickly surpassed those of grandpa in the last two years. i always felt guilty for not going alone any more. i went when my parents visited, but i often didn't talk as much. i always did what i could to help move them, dress them, get anything they needed, help a decision get made. but it was so hard to converse or show affection to my grandparents who just didn't seem like the people i grew up with.

and now grandma's gone for good. she was my last living grandma and the one who had the largest presence in my life. though i had mostly good relationships with three of my grandmas on my dad's side, i spent the most time and was the closest with my mom's mom. i have the most memories of her and her home. i always looked up to her and learned so many amazing values from her and it's strange knowing that she's not alive any more. it was time for the grandma's tired body to be relieved of her pain, her shrouded mind put to rest. but nonetheless, by saying goodbye to that tired body it means i also have to say goodbye to any chance of seeing the vibrant, strong and in control grandma again.

it's so odd. i wished for two years for my grandma to die and struggled to even visit to her as she deteriorated and her personality faded to its barest essentials. but now that she is gone, i feel so sad. when i got to the funeral home, and saw my mom, aunt, and grandpa the feeling of loss rushed over me. as i wheeled my grandpa's wheelchair towards the room holding grandma's body, i felt the inevitable upon me. seeing my grandma's body covered in a white hospital sheet from across the room was enough to break me down. i sat and cried while my aunt and my mom cried and took turns standing near her. touching her shoulder. my mom talking to her. i was wracked with the loss. the gaunt look of her stiff face tore at my heart. i stared at her and felt that at any moment she was going to wake up. though i have been to more than a half dozen funerals in my life of relatives and family friends, it's been a few years since the last one. and seeing grandma in that state was unbelievable. i almost said shocking, but it wasn't shocking. we all knew she was going to go, that she should go, but it was unbelievable to have to face the fact that she is gone.

when grandpa was ready to leave, which was surpringly soon after we arrived (he was ready before any of us to leave), i told my mom and aunt that i wanted to be alone with her for a few minutes and that i would catch up. i took a few minutes. i had been sitting at a couch about 6 feet away the whole time before. for some reason i didn't feel comfortable getting close to her in front of them. i wanted to wait until i was along to touch her and see her whole face. when they were entirely out of the room, i stood next to her, touched her stiff shoulder, stroked her cold face and limp hair. i told her how much i was going to miss her and that i was sorry for not being there for her near the end. i told her i loved her and kissed her cheek, while trying to control my sobs. it was the last moment i'll ever see her and even though it was a moment in the making these past two years, it was a moment that came suddenly, at the end of a stressful work week. suddenly after not seeing her for a couple of months. she's going to be cremated this week and hopefully we'll have the service on president's day. next monday. i have the day off from school and so does dad.

it's a hard, hard truth to swallow that she's gone, as much as i wanted her to be released from her debilitated existence. i have never had to live without her. and it's going to be especially hard to think of her as dead. i don't want to. i'm so lucky to have gotten to know her. i'm the oldest grandchild and it's a luxury my cousins did not have. i wish i had some wise or comforting last words for myself, but i don't right now. my mom and aunt and i were so exhausted emotionally at the end of the day that we were laughing about the idea of an urn and the abitrary ways that we dispose of bodies and the traditions we make up. and they are silly when you think about it. we talked about different memories of grandma throughout the day and smiled. but the bottom line is the sense of loss, a feeling that part of you has been removed. i don't want to say goodbye. i don't want to make grandma past tense. but i'm gonna have to.

i love you grandma. always.
adelaide gregory
march 9, 1924-february 6, 2004

2004-01-20T22:20:00.000-06:00

my response to the state of the union:

fuck you, bush. the "war on terrorism" is a scare tactic. we've always had enemies; what are you going to do about opposition to our foreign policy? bombing the shit out of people doesn't solve america's image problem. reorganizing iraq in our own fucked up image is really noble. really. the patriot act is not the answer; demonizing people of particular backgrounds merely expands the prejudice and racial profiling that has plagued this country for years. weapons of mass destruction? really, other people have them? i wonder why! we only have a shitload of WMD and the money and the technology to make more. that's really fair to make sure no one else has them.

good job on the tax cuts. they really helped your average american. riiiiight. let's think about who you're trying to please there, how about the wealthiest americans who benefit from most of your policies. nice band-aid on the perscription drugs. how about actually promoting legislation to regulate the drug industry and the renewal of patents and generic drugs.

don't even get me started on the no child left behind act. as a first year teacher, even i know how much of a joke your "accountability" movement is. try actually funding schools before you require them to make every 3rd grader read at the 3rd grade level. just 'cause you got some tutoring and were able to make it to high school grade level when you turned 40, doesn't mean it's an easy thing to do, to help a child read. believe me, i have 15, 16, and 17 year-olds whom the education system has failed, but testing them doesn't help them a bit. i know they are behind, what is a standardized test going to do about it. try incentives for teachers, better teacher training, and a funding structure that actually gives schools in need money rather than penalizing them for underachievement.

and i saved the best for last, your nice little conservative ad campaign at the end. so glad that you respect individual rights and are against prejudice. too bad you don't want to uphold the basic principles of the constitution and give gay couples equal rights according to the law! instead, you'd rather say "screw you" to loving monogamous gay couples and help pass a fricking constitutional amendment to deny them by law their right to marriage. since when are you the moral authority, you drug-snorting idiot. it makes me feel so much better that you support funding for christian (oh, and right you slipped in jewish and muslim organizations in two words to appease minorities) charity organizations. glad to know that you support christian charity, but not the christian belief of saving judgment for god. you've obviously judged homosexuals to be immoral in some way, if you can't stomach them to be married.

man, that's it for now. i can't stomach thinking about GW any more. it's going to be a scary day in november and beyond if something doesn't change soon. i'd better read up on kerry, edwards, dean and clarke. the only people i'll consider. i keep changing my mind though. poor al sharpton and kucinich don't have a chance even though they have the real liberal vision.

oooo, i just remembered about the shit bush pulled on MLK jr day two years in a row. last year, coming out against affirmative action in the U of M case on his holiday. this year, having a $2,000 fundraising dinner on his holiday in atlanta and pretending at the last minute that you were there to place a wreath on MLK's grave. fat chance, you political prick. you can't fool me!

2004-01-19T13:08:00.000-06:00

almost forgot! travesty!

HAPPY MARTIN LUTHER KING jr DAY!
as northwestern always likes to put it:
REMEMBER. CELEBRATE. ACT.

Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
-Martin Luther King jr.

ironic since i decided on friday that dave not only has gaydar, but he also has "injustice radar."

2004-01-19T12:34:00.000-06:00

what a mixed bag weekend. always such highs and lows.

friday-->good day at school, martin luther king lesson and discussion, singing john brown's body with reluctant kids, short department meeting. drinks with teachers after school at the store, alicia joins, dave unzips his pants to prove he's a brief man (!), make quick dinner, drive to hyde park for katie's bday, michael is there but he's just another nice guy (dunno if he's at all interested, ugh), partying with u of chicago is so funny, go to restaurant by day, juke club by night, clear division between u of chicago kids and south siders, i'm disgusted by the airiel juking (read sex act on the dance floor with cothes on), but my new carleton buddies morgan and linda have left, so i'm chillin alone getting all depressive, alicia meets martin (swiss german lawyer), i stay over to make sure she's not alone completely with him all night.

saturday-->alicia and i are both in somewhat depressive states, 'cause she's convinced martin will not call like he said he would. me, because it was an uncomfortable night and my crush did not progress past crush. there's still time and opportunity, but i'm pretty discouraged right now. we chill and watch tv, pop in "liberty heights," go to the pancake house for lunch (nice to be at places where it's mostly black people and the others are the minorities). martin calls (!) and i check out so that she can have her romantic date. bitch and complain on the phone to sue and bri (sorry about my mood ladies), and then drive to mt. prospect to chill with bich so i'm not alone. we eat something at baker's square and then retreat to her house to chill and play the sims (we made a kick ass house that we lost when her computer crashed!). drove back to my place to sleep.

sunday-->this was my i'm a domestic goddess day. woke up and put on NPRs sunday jazz show with dick buckly (old man who rocks), started laundry, cut many, many coupons, redid my grocery list, got the recycling in order, made summer pasta with tomatoes and mozzarela, potato soup with cheese, broccoli, carrots and such, and bourbon chicken with soco, maple syrup, and oj. later i marinated two pork chops (one brown sauce and the other lemon herb). i'm trying to have lots of food made for the week since i'm going to be busy after school a lot of the time even though it's only a 4 day week. grocery shopped like a mad woman and spent lots of money, but saved $12 with my jewel card and another $15 in coupons. :) go me! came home, made a frozen cheese pizza, got dressed and then jumped on the el. sucks that the fares went up!!! round trip is now $3.50 instead of $3. waited 20 minutes in the cold for the #74 bus at fullerton (good thing i was drinking gin and tonic with lime in my dr. pepper can). made it to quenchers around 9pm. the old spanish teacher who left to be an assistant principle, correa, was there! very nice to see him, such an attractive, friendly, caring and responsible puerto rican man. luz (with her parents and brother and friends!), laurie, trish, grace, liz, dave, and rebecca were all already there, so glad to see them! they were just what i needed. saw some pictures from trish's thailand trip, cow, her man, is cute. they all laughed that i was drinking on the bus, they didn't expect that from me i guess. bought drinks and got bought drinks, stuck with soco and coke most of the night. alicia arrived and joined the party, filled me in on her second date with martin which was equally nice as the first. watched some karaoke, including rebecca, we ALL got hit on by an older puerto rican man and a 22-year-old "straight" actor/dancer/model who dropped out of high school in the 9th grade. very funny. dave suggests going to hydrate and of course i jump on the band wagon. i drive with alicia and we actually go to spin first, which was odd because on the dance floor were lots of latino men who were definitely looking for women to dance with. danced with raul twice, too bad i wasn't feeling super coordinated, but i didn't do sooooo bad. (at the end of us dancing, raul says "i look like a faggot, but i am not a faggot." wow, it really turns my on when you speak offensively to me.) alicia and laurie decide to go home, leaving grace, rebecca, dave and myself. dave and i walk arm in arm to hydrate and discuss his new man, who he absolutely really likes a lot, but he can't get no sleep! (ha, lucky him, and apparently the girl who lives above me! yuck!) gotta love gay bars/clubs. dave runs into a friend right away and the 3 girls hit the dance floor. very nice. dance with some shirtless sweaty men who claim they are not gay, hmmmm. dave finally joins us around 2:45 and promptly removes his shirt, revealing the gorgeous man that he is. no wonder every female teacher at LPHS is in love with him. and we dance, we dance, we dance. grace and dave have no shame in getting freaky, and pretty soon neither do i. it's so funny when you cross weird boundaries like that. mentor teacher/friend/hot man. whatever. if only i could clone a straight version of dave. grace kindly drives us home. i get a snack before bed to fill the tummy and aid the sobering up.

monday-->typing this blog message. lots of lesson planning to do, but i don't want to do it. at least i already did laundry and shopping. still too much time to think about michael and shit and boys. so as you can see it was a mixed bag weekend. i need to remember that whenever i'm feeling down i just need to call the teacher crew and/or go to a gay bar. :) so sad, but this is my life. even my mom agrees i will never meet a guy this way, but i can't help it. i'm in this self-destructive pleasure seeking pattern. the thing is i know that i will not meet a datable guy at a bar anyway, so i figure when i go out that's not the mission. maybe it should be, but up 'til this point i've only been hit on by my traditional sketchy profile of men and every so often a horny young attractive man who wants nothing but ass, which i am only willing to give on a reasonable level on the dance floor or briefly on new years eve or my drunk ass birthday. ;) i can't believe i've now technically kissed 3 guys, but then again i can't believe i've only kissed 3 guys, and i mean only kissed with one painfully obvious exception. he called by the way, should i call back? yo no say. ugh, ugh, and more ugh. work is going well. my apartment is fab. sue and bri and i are going to live in a palace in andersonville next year, i'm convinced. but where, oh where, is my love life? MIA as usual. well, i really ought to take advantage of this extra day and get lots of work done. might go to work at a coffeeshop, either panini panini or cocoabean expressions, i haven't decided. give me out shout out later electronic readers. much love.

2004-01-14T19:23:00.000-06:00

small revelations about teaching and working in general from sham and i.

shannonmok (6:57:22 PM): how's work going?
jwindy23 (6:57:34 PM): good, not so bad, but i keep not going to bed really late
jwindy23 (6:57:56 PM): how are you doing?
shannonmok (6:58:12 PM): good
shannonmok (6:58:16 PM): just chilling
shannonmok (6:58:43 PM): been stuck in a mindless project at work
jwindy23 (6:59:05 PM): ugh, that's no good
shannonmok (6:59:36 PM): no, not at all
shannonmok (6:59:42 PM): beats having nothing to do though
jwindy23 (7:00:03 PM): yeah, i thought about that today
jwindy23 (7:00:10 PM): i wondered if i could really just not work
jwindy23 (7:00:12 PM): like if i was rich
jwindy23 (7:00:15 PM): and i didn't have to
jwindy23 (7:00:20 PM): would i enjoy not doing anything
jwindy23 (7:00:26 PM): or would i work just to have something to do
shannonmok (7:00:26 PM): i don't think i would
jwindy23 (7:00:28 PM): some purpose
jwindy23 (7:00:33 PM): yeah, me neither
shannonmok (7:00:34 PM): i need purpose
jwindy23 (7:00:38 PM): i would cut back on the hours though
jwindy23 (7:00:49 PM): it would be like a 4-5 hour workday ;-)
shannonmok (7:00:54 PM): haha
shannonmok (7:00:58 PM): still teaching?
shannonmok (7:01:02 PM): or doing something else?
jwindy23 (7:01:33 PM): i dunno
jwindy23 (7:01:48 PM): if i could teach and plan and grade in the 4-5 hours i think i'd still teach
jwindy23 (7:01:57 PM): but if not, then i'd do something that doesn't require homework
jwindy23 (7:02:01 PM): for the adult
shannonmok (7:02:18 PM): yeah
shannonmok (7:02:22 PM): are you getting more used to it?
jwindy23 (7:04:13 PM): yeah, most definitely
jwindy23 (7:04:25 PM): i'm very used to it, doesn't mean i like it though ;-)
jwindy23 (7:04:42 PM): i can't wait for next year. if i teach the same classes at least i'll have lots of materials prepared
jwindy23 (7:04:51 PM): when i have time i can plan new stuff

2004-01-10T22:21:00.000-06:00

my weekend thus far:
friday-->nice dinner at the heartland to catch up with allan, who lives less than 2 blocks away from me, but we hadn't seen each other since june. went to roscoe's with bich and met up with chris d, a 33 year-old english teacher from LPHS, who is ordinarily really shy, but was surprisingly easy to talk to. some of bich's friends from NU came as well and partook in the dancing. i had a really good time. the bartender really liked chris so he gave us discounted drinks and free jager shots. soooo didn't expect to leave drunk, but that i did. bich had to drive us home. sadly i got two big parking tickets as well, that was the only downer for the evening.

today-->saw bich off, contemplated my faulty planning for a get together with secondary teaching NU alums, and ran evanston errands. met up with alicia at the piper's alley theater and saw "in america." i was an emotional wreck through the whole movie because i was gripped. the acting was excellent and the story was just so personal and poignant. i can't remember the last time that i felt so much tension while watching a movie. i was crying perfusely by the end when the credits were rolling. it's really an uplifting movie in many ways, but very heartbreaking at the same time. i would highly, highly recommend it. then alicia and i drove to my place, thought of restaurant ideas and waited for her friend from college, morgan, to get here. we drove to sher-a-punjab on devon and had a 3 hour conversation over our yummy indian buffet dinner.

i really had an ankur weekend though, aside from the movie. ;) then he called when we were on our way to dinner making the weekend complete.

i feel so bad for alicia since the teacher she was supposed to replace is not retiring. she has to wait until another teacher goes on maternity leave in february before she can come back to work because she was soooo sick of being a sub and dealing with mr. hassel. no one can blamer her, it just sucks that she's getting the shaft. it's so strange 'cause it just as easily could have been another first year. i don't really understand their reasoning for hiring her (as opposed to any of the rest of us) to be on standby for a year. i guess it's just that she is mostly a U.S. teacher. i'll be much happier when she's back at school everyday. she definitely helps keep me sane in such a crazy atmosphere. she deserves to also have a stable job and a real teachers pay.

oh i also decided to go to NYC for part of spring break in april, which makes me excited. and i can't wait to go back to DC next summer. something to look forward to now that christmas break is over. what a crazy break. hanging with my girls, running into a guy from high school and going on a date. strange new years. all in all an odd break, with lots of staying up and out late, sleeping late. it was great to see my parents when i was awake, going to dinner and movies with them (yeah lord of the rings and cold mountain!). and my cat was a riot the whole time. so entertaining and affectionate. i really missed his personality; he finally is off the medication that really sedated him.

hmmm, now i'm bored. maybe i'll make some phone calls.

oh and tamica, when you read this, you should write something about your balloon ride in your blog since that was so amazing. i didn't see that on there. ;)

major congratulations as well to bich for her job interview out east and for andrew for getting his fabulous internship in australia! us folks in the usa with miss you. congrats also to ryan and steve for getting TFA jobs and good luck to steve on your way back to africa. i so want to be you.

2004-01-08T17:52:00.000-06:00

this is for tamica and kim s. :) apologies as always for the lack of posts. life as a teacher certainly changes your priorities. free time is at a minimum and in all honesty, usually i use it to sleep, do laundry, screw around, watch tv, or drink. i shall try to make more frequent short updates, but no promises.

my first semester of teaching full time is almost over and here's most of what i've learned so far:
1. teaching is such a physical job. i have a cold, sore feet, and back pain. often, my voice is strained from talking.
2. bureaucracy, red tape, and politics (read money) run schools. not administrators, teachers or students. we're all just along for the ride.
3. adults are just as petty and unprofessional as young people.
4. students are capable of amazing turnarounds in behavior, but don't expect it from many.
5. i enjoy teaching, but my ideal job in education doesn't require me to do work when i'm not at my place of work or on weekends.
6. it's best to be a communicator, a liason, and a likeable person at your job. that way, you avoid the gossip pool.
7. living alone is wonderful in terms of personal space, but challenging in terms of emotional health. at least, after coming right out of college.
8. making a salary is great, but after paying bills and unexpected expenses, there's not much money to save.
9. i definitely prefer to teach us history over world, and i would love to teach honors kids. kids in the middle, not at the extremes like i have now.
10. wonderful colleagues who become friends are invaluable and help ease the stress that teaching brings.

2003-09-23T15:45:00.001-05:00

apologies to anyone who actually enjoys reading my blog. it's been sometime. but such is my life now. posting to a blog seems highly inadequate to completely express how i feel about my everday affairs. additionally, i'm usually way too damn tired to care to sit and type.

what's happened in the last few weeks?

-settled into my apartment, hanging out with darren :), bich, mitali and bonnie
-found all the office stores in the area in order to make copies for work, lots of grocery shopping and laundry (where the hell do you get quarters when norris is so far away?!?)
-desired to alternately beat and hug my students 'cause there is such a mix of ability and behavior levels, going to Oktoberfest with drunken teachers
-visited the g-rap twice, once for labor day (chillin' with my girls and drunken dave, clubbin' with my girls and sean and chuck), and this past weekend (took the parents out to dinner, friends bought too many birthday drinks for me, made out with a friend of a friend, felt completely comfortable with my girls)
-watched kristin and jarrett get married (god, it was beautiful and touching and satisfying; frightening too, but in a good way i guess), had lots of visitors to my apartment (much love to ankur, tamica, jon, chris, sham, leanna, kim, kim, nick, and murray for brightening my doorstep)
-chilled with ankur a few times over the last week while he worked on his fulbright, rhodes, and marshall scholarships
-talked on the phone with friends who aren't as near as i wish they could be
-had lots of emotional highs and lows

that's the short list i guess. today is actually my birthday, which is more annoying than anything. i would enjoy my birthday so much more now that i'm an adult if it weren't always on a frickin' weekeday (i know it's not always), and it weren't always at the beginning of the school year. but i can't really complain since i got to spend time with ankur, sue, bri, dave and my parents during this past week and i know that my friends are sending their love. plus, this coming weekend bri and bich are staying with me to celebrate. so really, i'm blessed. :) i think it would just be nice to spend the actual day with people and to not have to get up and go to work. but seriously, i can't really ask for more company that i've had and will have. so thanks to people for helping me keep perspective and have fun as i mark the completion of my 22nd year of life. so wild, that i'm not 21 anymore. i'm still the youngest staff member at lincoln park high school though. :)

i think that's all for now. thanks for the cards and calls. i can talk after 9pm only until 9/28 since i'm way over on my daytime minutes. :)

2003-09-23T15:45:00.000-05:00

2003-09-01T15:32:00.000-05:00

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2003-09-01T15:06:00.000-05:00

wow, i think i might be a grown up now. it's labor day and in a manner of hours i will be driving back to chicago to my own apartment and tomorrow i will be starting my teaching career. whoa. it's totally frightening, but i suppose it's one of those "if it doesn't kill you, it'll make you stronger" type changes. i don't feel like an adult, but i certainly don't want to go back to college. if i can handle the job thing, then i think all that will be missing will be my love life. too bad i'm only slightly prepared mentally for the continuation of my life as a spinster. :)

congrats to tamica for making the move to dc, sue will be joining you on tuesday. i love and miss you lots!
thanks to dave for throwing quite the interesting barbecue last night and to my girls for humoring me and going out two nights in a row. i gotta take advantage when i can.
closing thought...am i really turning 22 in 3 weeks? whoa.

2003-08-11T16:21:00.000-05:00

sooooo stressed out about every imaginable aspect of my life. wow. take me out for drinks whenever possible. please.

congratulations to robert for passing his written driving test!!! one month until the big road test! just don't run over anyone, look both ways on the train tracks, and stop at blinking reds before proceeding and you'll be fine!

2003-08-05T14:11:00.000-05:00

happy 21st birthday tamica!!! you finally made it!!!

2003-08-04T22:34:00.000-05:00

warning: this is a negative and selfish entry. sorry people.

i've been bored off my ass since all my homies are not in GR and it's beginning to hit home the radical changes that are coming in a manner of weeks. i'm excited about my new apartment and feeling blessed that my parents want to spend money to help me get lots of stuff to settle in. however, the reality that i will soon have a full-time job and that none of my closest and best friends will be nearby is really intimidating. i'm supposed to be tough, but it's a lot easier to be tough when you're surrounded by people you love. yes, i'm an only child and i enjoy privacy and alone time, but i'm also someone who has thrived thus far because i have ALWAYS made amazing and wonderful friends. ever since i was little i've had close friends to whom i relate really well and with whom i have been able to spend lots of time. i sincerely admire my friends, several of whom have gone into experiences knowing no one, because the only times i think i've really had to do that was for a week at canoe camp (which was miserable) and going into elder as a new RA (which doesn't really count since i was still at NU and had friends blocks away).

i know i will survive and i know i will make it, but the fact that i won't have the built-in social network of college anymore is really scary. in any case, i don't really want to start over with friends. it's not a struggle for me to make friends, but i can't imagine finding people who i will connect with as well as my friends from GR and NU. i was so adament about graduating, partly because i knew that i had made secure friendships and i knew that being apart wouldn't end friendships. i know that i will be friends with people from high school and college for the rest of my life, but only having access to these people who mean so much to me by phone is going to be the hardest thing for me. many people say college is the best time of your life, and i can't deny that it was wonderful. but by that logic, where else can you go but down from there? i'm finally 21 and feeling comfortable going out, but i can't go out alone and i don't want to meet guys to date in bars. that's just not me. i guess i'm just really worried about having to go through such a hard transition without folks near me to give me a hug or to take me out dancing.

for most of college, i never imagined that i would end up being the only one left in the city of chicago. it became very clear this past year that it was going to happen, but actually dealing with it is going to put so much added emotional stress on my first year of teaching that i'm really freaking out. i certainly am glad that i still have friends at NU to hang out with and get closer to, but i really wish that someone could have gotten me the memo earlier that i should have tried to be in DC or NYC. ;) we all have to follow our own paths and work on building our careers and make our own decisions and i wouldn't have chosen different paths for anyone, even if i could have. i am so proud of where everyone is and where everyone is going. i just wish i wasn't the only one who chose the path through chicago. i love chicago and i don't actually have regrets about staying. i'm not ready to strike out into a city that i don't know at all. i'm not strong enough to do that which is another reason why my friends are so impressive and amazing, because they are all capable of doing that.

ugh. i guess it really hit me today since tamica accepted her job offer in DC. never once, after she told me it was between public allies and AIR did i expect her or really even want her to choose public allies in chicago, because i knew that AIR was more her thing and better for her career and finances. and i would never be so selfish to try and convince her to stay in chicago. but i guess, in the back of my mind, she was my last hope of having a super close friend down the street. i am SO proud of her and she really, really deserves the AIR job and it is sooooo great for her. it's just hard to know that i will be in chicago when sue, ankur, sham, chris and tamica will be working in DC and fallon's only a 30 min drive away. kristen and meg have each other, kristin has jarrett. bich's looking for jobs away from chicago and the burbs. leanna left chi-town long ago. it's not like there was a decision that everyone would leave chicago, people are just living their lives and making the best decisions for themselves. it's just that i know that the hardest thing for me to deal with is feeling alone and i'm really worried that i'm going to let all this intimidate me into a depressed state and all i'll have is my job.

whatever, i know we are going to all be so busy that even if we were in the same city our schedules would be crazy and it wouldn't be some phenomenal continuation of college. i'm just freaked out about starting over and trying to make close friends that i can be with in person. not to mention trying to actually date. i don't even think i deserve to be bitter about not dating at NU, because how hard did i really try to date? i wasn't aggressive or open about my feelings at all. i just don't want to spend my 20s alone and virginal. and i certainly don't want to get too far past 25-30 without a marriage proposal. i know that's dramatic, but how will i ever pop the cherry and/or start a family if i don't even date?!?! i really wish that i was gonna be living near a friend or boyfriend. i think you can understand that. right?! it would just be so much easier to do everything else in life for the first time if i had someone with me who really loved and understood me already. i could face all the other newness, if i had some really great familiar person there to support me.

aight, this is enough bitching an moaning for one night.

at least i won a vintage blender on ebay!!! and i got some kick ass plum colored towels for my new pink bathroom. but alas, material things cannot compensate for deep human connection. :)

2003-07-25T16:35:00.000-05:00

i'm back from oregon and it was lovely. i wish that i could drop chicago and lake michigan in the middle of the pacific northwest in between the mountains, rivers and the coast. i just love it. they need a few more minorities out there to offset the country republican hicks in the more rural areas, but otherwise, it's pretty alright with me.

in other news...happy birthday to meg!!! man you're old. 22 already. check for your present to arrive in maplewood tomorrow!

i know i owe lots of people phone calls from while i was in oregon, so give me some time or give me a call so we can catch up. i miss you! remember, open invitation to come stay with me once i'm in chicago! twas nice to talk to ankur today while he was in LA. i hope the audition went well and that jump rope camp is lots of fun. i wish i got to go to DC with tamica to stay with sham. :) don't have too much fun without me.

oh yeah, if you are or know someone whose phone number is "Unavailable ID" tell them to stop calling my cell phone 6 times a day!!! what the hell is that about?!? i've only picked up a couple times, but when i do there is absolutely no sound on the other end and it eventually hangs up on me after 20 seconds or so. sooo aggravating. not making me like phones any more. you all know my family's policy on the land line. i just hope that these weird calls don't make me transfer that policy to my cell.

i haven't the patience or any exciting news so i'm keeping this short. going to chicago sunday to tuesday to take care of job, banking, grandparents and job stuff. still will be moving in to my apartment prolly the end of the first week in august. keep your fingers crossed. and one of these days i'm actually going to start lesson planning. :) i do need to know more about the curriculum first though.

2003-07-15T19:56:00.000-05:00

ok all i have to say is thank you lollapalooza! i had such a great trip with bich to see dianna in ohio and rock music will keep us together forever. just kidding. my only regret was listening to the chick at AAA who told me to take this 2 lane road (33) from south bend (where i picked up bich at the south shore station) to columbus. major highways don't have to worry about high water and semis in ditches as often. so here's a trip recap before i forget everything.

leave GR when bich calls to say she's on the train. listen to QOTSA a couple of times before finding the south bend regional airport. talk to the lovely meg on the phone as she heads to NJ for the night. there's bich! thank goodness she's an excellent navigator. wind our way on 33 through little hick town after little hick town. a semi "falls over" (which according to dianna is funny word choice on my part :). we wait for an hour even though everyone we ask says it's only gonna be 10 min. girls at subway don't drive on highways so they can't help us get there. dianna calls repeatedly to make sure she buys us lots of food we like for our 2 night stay. :) we make it easily to dianna's lovely apartment! get dolled up, quick tour of OSU's campus and columbus, then eat in short north (columbus's belmont/boystown district). review pictures dianna missed at the coffeeshop across the street. drive to meet up with brandon from law school at some huge bar called frog bear/wild boar, yeah, that's easy to make fun of. yeah for irish/british stocked taps! and then for the dianna fav bud light. why aren't these white people dancing? we show them how it's done. meet some belgians on the street looking for a place to light up. i parler some francais with them before we walk around and then drive around to victory's, a dianna hangout, aka a sketchy bar. :) dianna and bich witness for the first time jen being hit on a groped by black men. this one black guy, mohammed, macks on dianna HARD CORE, wow. bich dances with white boy. hell yeah. i am woman hear me roar. back to the apartment for frozen pizza and more pictures until 4:30am.

wakie wakie! time to get ready to rock! mmmm coffee. why are we so punctual? germain ampatheater has funny giant telephone poles as decoration. interesting. the booths and food remind me of the area: one tour-shout out to sue!!! wait in the hot sun with frozen margarita's for rooney to start at 2pm. don't die dianna!!! rooney is ok, catchy, but too much hair and cheesey lyrics. the donnas are energetic (more power to female rock even if i don't buy it). go get food in order to miss a good deal of jurassic 5 and drink giant, expensive beers (why do so many damn white people like them?!?!?! i don't get it!!!) i swear to god the singer from queens of the stone age was looking right at me. i really like their last cd which i just bought last week. it's a far cry from the days when i didn't like anything metal related. don't worry, i won't be listening to metallica or mudvayne any time soon. INCUBUS with new bassist ben kenney!!! i've now seen them live 5 times and once the new album is out (they played 3 new songs) i will be ready to see them 5 more times. :) i used up a lot of energy dancing to them and trying my damndest to not kick the ass of the man standing in front of me who was making fun of incubus the whole time. i really was going to have a word with him had it not been for dianna trying to calm me down. i am embolden in certain situations at least. why is it that starting with QOTSA, every band had at least one guy in the band who was shirtless, if not two? hmmm, food for thought. though i was so tired, even i could tell that audioslave stole the show. the former rage guitarist is super talented and chris cornell, man, who knew he was soooooo frickin' HOT. he's not my type really in the face, too chiseled, but he was rockin' those low rise jeans and no shirt. wow...wow. we all tried to dream about him that night. his voice was really amazing as well. don't worry, we were there for the music. what's with columbus's policy on topless women? lots of chicks got their boobs airbrushed. tres strange. then jane's addiction. i was glad to see them, but i felt bad 'cause i only knew like 2 of their songs. then it was a quick stop at kroger for more frozen pizza. then dianna introduced us to the oxygen networks sorry excuse for soft porn called "bliss." the plot: middle age married women gets hot for her blind piano tuner. wow, i'm all excited just recalling it. ummm, NO. but it was funny in any case.

sleep until up early to say goodbye to dianna on her way to work. then she left for florida today!!! snooze, shower, drive, and drive, and drive, and drive with bich at my side, nodding her head in and out of sleep. :) thank god we took major highways that were really free of major traffic and terrible construction. we flew to indianapolis and chicago. met shara in roger's park to look at her apartments earlier than planned. the 1st two were not impressive, though the 2nd one was large! prolly too big for me. i don't have that much furniture. then she mentions among many, many other things, (she was a talker) that she had another building. bich and i walk 3 houses down with her and we see an apartment. i really like it!!! can't i get one like this? she thinks yes!!! even though it took nearly 2 hours it was like a whirlwind. i paid for a credit check, promised to send security deposit and she wrote me a promisary note! i have an apartment!!! 6819 n. wayne, either an apartment on the 1st or 2nd floor. i will be moving in between august 1st and 15th. it's a cute one bedroom, with a living room, eat-in kitchen, bedroom and bath. hopefully i'll get the one with hardwood floors. woo-hoo!!!

anyway, i'm exhausted today from all the driving. the drive back from chicago was terrible and long and delayed with lots of construction. but i'm alive and excited about oregon.

2003-07-11T12:33:00.000-05:00

thanks to bri and emily for showing me a great time in east lansing wednesday night! i really needed a ladies night!!! a word of advice: if you're thinking of opening a bar/restaurant and having a 1/2 off night, it's a great idea, BUT do not skimp on the alcohol! em and i had enough cocktails to get at least a little buzzed, but we didn't feel anything!!! oh, the injustice. so that's when we found the $1.50 bottles of bud light.

i have to say that lansing always gives me a boost in self-confidence 'cause guys actually pay attention to me there, unlike in evanston. i gave my number to 2 or 3 guys (two called that night!), just for kicks, since i don't really date strangers and since i don't live in the area. yes, i was hit on by black guys, but this time they were not so sketchy and they were not crazy older than me. they were pretty damn cute as well. oh, one white guy hit on me, but he was older and sketchy, not terrible looking, but definitely older. during the course of our conversation at the bar he managed to pat me on the head and brush his lips against my shoulder. now that...takes talent my friends, or just enough booze.

oh yeah, and kopo, who was at the bar informed us that he had an internship in detroit and that's why bri never sees him. another word of advice: if you live with someone, tell them when you get an internship in another city!!! we also saw kelly d and senior luca, who was looking damn good to me, if i do say so myself.

aight, i must ready myself for this long trip to ohio. fyi, i will be stopping in evanston to look at an apartment on monday so let's hope that it's the one for me!!!

2003-07-07T17:53:00.000-05:00

wow, i think i forgot how to blog. there's not really much to say. so far, at home i have watched a lot of tennis (i looooovve wimbledon!), reread harry potter books 3 and 4 and started book 5, made a killing going clothes shopping, hung out with sue, bri and dave before sue left for NYC, went to detroit with my parents for the 4th of july, and slept a lot. really exciting stuff, right? riiiight. otherwise, i've been procrastinating on putting together people's pictures and grad cards. i think it's prolly me trying to avoid reliving the goodbyes and thinking about how much i care about people. shocking really that i would do that.

the exciting thing is that this weekend bich and i are journeying to columbus, ohio, to stay with dianna and see lollapalooza 2003! yeah for jane's addiction, audioslave, incubus, and queens of the stone age. i'm really looking forward to it. hopefully the weather won't be too scorching 'cause the drive is not a terribly short one. oh well, i've already turned a few shades darker, a few more can't hurt. after i get back on the 14th, i'll have to rest and repack for my week-long trip to portland, oregon to stay with my aunt and uncle. it's their way of saying congratulations on your graduation. it should be amazing since the plan is to take a camping trip to mt. rainier!!! anywho, time for dinner. i'll try to remember to post every now and then, but now that i'm home alone, my life is significantly less exciting. my mind is with all of you who are starting new lives and jobs!!! congrats to sue, kristen and meg in NYC! and sham and chris in DC! ooo, and good luck to veyom for his arangetram this weekend! i'm sure it will be beautiful! i wish i could be there.

2003-06-23T17:31:00.000-05:00

wish i had the energy to wax philosophic on the end of college, but it's been utterly exhausting, physically and emotionally. too bad i still have to finish moving out furniture on wednesday. i will survive though. i just booked tickets for my trip to portland--found really cheap round trip through hotwire. anywho, i should prolly be more productive considering there is no floor space in my room from moving back.

2003-06-16T21:04:00.000-05:00

would you be interested in a tuna steak? -meg, like 2 minutes ago

2003-06-12T11:09:00.000-05:00

You are Morpheus, from "The Matrix." You
have strong faith in yourself and those around
you. A true leader, you are relentless in your
persuit.

What Matrix Persona Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-06-08T22:04:00.000-05:00

things are certainly starting to come to a close. no more OWL. no more classes. and after this week no more work. thank god. i dunno how i'm gonna make it and i only have 2 more papers to write. and there will finally hopefully be no more drama once we all go our separate ways. though i assigned that motto to sophomore year, the drama certainly has come back with a vengeance this year and i can't say that i will be sorry to let it all go. i'm sure i have been the perpetrator of some of it, but i can't take full responsibility. soon enough, everyone will just be able to keep in touch with the folks they each really want to keep in touch with. i'm not trying to be rude, just realistic. NU has its issues, but i have to say, i've met some amazing people here who captured my heart. because of it, i've had my feelings hurt, like lots of folks, many times, but in the end, it's worth it. i'll just be glad to step out of the intensity of college and into the intensity of my high school classroom.

last night, we celebrated alvaro's 22nd birthday at the pumping co in chicago 'cause they had mad cheap beer. :) HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALVARO!!! i'm so glad to know you and to have played soccer with you. rob also came up from gary to join the party and bich and i decided beforehand that we wanted to get dressed up even though pumping co isn't a dressy place. i busted out the strapless bra and my new low cut dress. awww yeee-ah. the bar wasn't fratty, it was just kind of a hole of a bar in edgewater, which suited me just fine. eventually, there were lots of NU folks there, one girl from my soc class last quarter and kristin english's bridesmaid, jessica. isabel kept getting hit on by this sketchy guy named yosh, while i was hit on by, as usual, a sketchy, older, black male stranger whose lines were "is your man a shooter? 'cause you're so beautiful, i might have to steal you away" and "i think i need to go to the ladies room too." fab. daniel, you were hilarious, but there will be no lap dancing. thanks rob for planting that idea. :) i still love you though. meg and bich were both in amazingly high spirits, which just made the night! bich even smuggled in some french fries which she feed to us all out of her pocket, reminding me of a mother bird. it was great. i can't wait to do this kind of thing every night of senior week, hopefully with everyone involved (not that i will delude myself into thinking that will actually happen).

aight, i should be working!!!

2003-05-30T22:15:00.000-05:00

wow, lincoln park high school, its teachers, and its students are fabulous. it's not perfect, but i'm excited to be there next year. i'm so lucky. what's not so lucky? paying $100 to get a boot off your car. your car doing weird things and leaving it at the repair shop to get fixed. yeah, the last two things kind of ruined my day. i hope that my last 3 weeks at NU are much more enjoyable. i hope that i can finish my papers without too much stress and spend some quality time with folks.

2003-05-28T00:13:00.000-05:00

i called
and you said you might come by tonight
but i'm still waiting
it's words like might that keep a girl awake

2003-05-28T00:07:00.000-05:00

this time around
my expectations are low
my thoughts are practical
my heart is indifferent
the only thing that's holding on is...
well, i think you know
you make me feel desirable

2003-05-27T23:00:00.000-05:00

"i'm hot like a pan." - meg

2003-05-26T15:40:00.000-05:00

dillo day was fantabulous!!! thanks to everyone for hanging out! it wouldn't have been the same without you! lots of love!

thanks for the memories! dianna and friends (chad, pat & mackenzie) get in late friday, 1800 instead of janette's kegger, bri, dave, sue and rob get in even later, bastards upstairs wake me up at 8am with their music, sunny day, owl in the morning, jimmy john's for lunch, "pack" for tam & sham's, where are your mp3s?-back to old school, rob is a friendly guy and he now things ankur is the man, don't ask me to make you a drink then complain about it!-->tamica!, where is flax with the OJ? bri needs it 'cause she's sick, katie is actually here now-not just in paper form, lemon drop with dianna and friends, outside with the g-rap kids, sue calls from NYC-la boheme by baz-wow!, i do push-ups-why?-because it's sunny!, dave dances, there's katie l!, bye chris!, wrangle the troops to 720, mackenzie leaves her purse-good thing i like to run in front of cops, thank god for alvaro & daniel and tequila-gone in 15 minutes, let's get this party started!, music, spread out over the apartment, we used the porch!, thanks bri for harassing my loud neighbors, mmm $30 pizza-yeah for bich and katie paying up front!, make room for dancing, split up and head to the lakefill, thank god for cell phones, blackaliscious is not so tasty, but who cares, run into steve, ryan, pauline, crystal, hannah, katie l, terry, desiree, and mad other heads, poor kim-i would give her my back if i could, where are rob and natalie c?, meg's cold, dave is feelin' the crystal method, regroup and head back to 720, i run 'cause that's what i do when i'm drunk, hi meg, sombit & alvaro!, time for kings!!! where's mackenzie?, i didn't know we could fit this many people in the apartment, ankur is so dirty, john's back and so are the wacky rules, colorful feet kissing, sham is not a mother fucker, scrotum is not a bad word, girls like compliments, bri's burning up, dave's stomach is rolling, i'm feeling mighty fine, everyone busts around 2, no goodbyes to dianna, thanks bich for driving people home and for the daniel beer run, kim needs to trade her back and stomach, ankur plays mom, tamica and i clean, i sleep on the floor-in your face rob!, yeah for waking up with a headache!, good morning everyone, takin' it slow, shower, clean, recycle, flowers for kim & jenny!, thai sookdee & cell phones, to the lake with kim, bich and daniel. photo-op-rocks are really fascinating-dead fish smell-hey katie h!, farewell to my best homies from MI!-thanks so much for coming!-i love you lots!, time for the foo with fallon & murray, who needs dinner when you can pay too much for arena food?, is this chevelle?, oh no, this is chevelle, dave grohl can say whatever he wants, foo fighters bring the energy, thanks for tam and meg for waiting for me-melissa and laura's par-tay!, yeah for g-rap reunions-congrats to sarah on france!-she deserves it!, steve needs a new tolerance and so does hannah, man whit is still really tall, me hungry!, can't sleep, oh well, tomorrow is memorial day!

2003-05-23T18:18:00.000-05:00

Jennifer Johnson
Tuesday, May 27, 2003
African American Women’s Narratives 380
Harkins

Talkback Paper 2 - My Hair Story

I remember sitting between my mother’s knees as she struggled to pull combs and brushes through my mass of hair. Sometimes I complained, but mostly I was used to this somewhat painful ritual. Every time I washed it, every day after I woke up, my mom would brush and braid my hair. When I was small, I didn’t appreciate the intimacy of this act and the love that went into it. To me, it was just part of the daily routine where my long curly hair was tamed and readied for the day ahead.

I’m sure most little black girls had to get used to sitting patiently while their mother or other relatives styled their hair. I think what made it special and unique for my mother and I was how the act of doing my hair made obvious the cultural confrontation that sometimes was our family.

My mom is white and grew up in the North Shore suburb of Wilmette, Illinois. My dad is black and grew up outside of Birmingham, Alabama and in the heart of the steel town of Cincinnati, Ohio. My mom was born with wispy blond hair, which, as she matured, turned dark brown or visibly black and straight. My dad was born with typical tight dark curls that he massaged with moisturizing products and covered with wave caps before it began to recede away from his forehead. My mom grew up combing and cutting her and her siblings’ smooth hair. My dad grew up with half siblings and cousins who used hot combs off the stove and an array of styling products.

My hair was the site of cultural confrontation.

My hair is naturally curly, but not the kind of curly that could grow into a natural a la afros in the 1960s and 70s. My hair is also smooth, but not the kind of smooth that is elevated by commercials for fruity shampoos. My hair is the kind of hair that black people often describe as “good hair,” the kind of hair that light skinned black girls have. Most of all, my hair was always a challenge for my mother, a challenge that she faced regularly with some trepidation, but always with love.

I can honestly say that I never remember being embarrassed by my hairstyles. I’ve talked to other biracial women who have stories about disastrous hairstyles prepared by white mothers, unfamiliar with the dry, kinky, lovely locks of us mixed girls. I was one of the lucky ones. My mother tried hard to satisfy me and to learn about my hair.

One of my dad’s cousins, Rosalyn, who lives in Detroit, was a hairdresser. (For a number of years she was actually Aretha Franklin’s hairdresser, but she quit because they don’t call Aretha a diva for nothing.) Whhen I was small and we’d go to visit, I remember my mom asking my cousin for tips about styling methods and products to use. I remember her showing my mom different hairdos and doing my hair at least once during our visit.

One of my close friend’s as a child, Kaila, lived down the street from me in Grand Rapids, Michigan. She was a year younger than me and her sister, Stevette, was several years older than the both of us. We would play at each other’s houses and go back home and copy each other by asking our parents to buy us the Barbie dolls that one of us had gotten before the other. I remember watching the Disney channel at Kaila’s house because we didn’t get that channel. And I remember going to her house for meals and watching her mother or sister do her hair. One day in the summertime, my mom decided to ask Stevette for styling tips and a few days later my mom brought home Luster’s pink oil, a Goody smoothing brush, and some gel. Stevette even tried to teach my mom to French braid.

Though I was satisfied when my mom put my hair into a simple, neat braid, the style which I wore for the majority of my childhood, my mother was never contented. I think that she always felt somewhat incompetent with my hair and the perfectionist in her was never satisfied. Because my mother loved black people and truly appreciated their style and beauty, she wanted to do a good job. She thought my hair was beautiful, but she was never quite sure how to manage it. Looking back, I can cherish the memories of the struggles we went through with my hair and be truly grateful that my mom tried so hard and took such an active interest. When I go home, every once in a while, I’ll still ask my mom to give my curls a trim.

I think because of our struggle to find my hairs’ style and because of the mixed messages I’ve received about my hair, I now have a sort of ambivalent relationship with it. Though I value diversity and difference, sometimes I wished that I either had silky straight hair like the white girls or that I used a pressing comb to have shiny sleek hair like the black girls. When I went to a teaching salon for proms with my friends, the stylists oooed and ahhed over my hair and told me how good it was. But I never knew how to regularly wear or maintain the styles of my friends, white or black. Throughout my life at school, kids asked to touch the smooth waves on my head and tug on my curls. But this complimentary attention only emphasized the difference of my hair. I’ve always felt that my hair was somewhat different, in some ways pretty, but in many ways puzzling, not only to others, but to myself. I’m uncomfortable wearing it down where it will “poof” like Diana Ross, so I’ve always braided it or put it up. Every once in a while I will even enter into deals with friends where their reward or prize is that I will wear my hair down for a day.

As a young adult, my hair is still mysterious and challenging. I see more of the beauty in my long curls, but I am still hesitant to change once I’ve found a doable style. In high school, I successfully weaned myself off the single long braid, but I’ve been stuck on the folded pony tail ever since.
Hair will always be a means of making a personal or political statement and my hair will always be a site of cultural confrontation. I think really, I am proud of my hair, because ultimately, I am proud of my heritage and family. I am thankful for the warm memories that my hair has given me with my mother, (and every now and then with my father when he was forced to battle my tangled curls) and I’m even more grateful to her for recognizing the beauty of and trying to learn about my hair’s unique qualities. Hopefully, as I get older, more and more, I will be able to do the same.

2003-05-18T15:57:00.000-05:00

wasting time on a sunday. see the last question.

1) First grade teacher's name: mrs. harris (hopefully she's coming to graduation next month!)

2) Last sentence you said: "you'd better hurry." to meg on her way to meet kristen for a play downtown.

3) Last song you sang: "beautiful" by christina aguilera, only because meg is obsessed with the song.

4) Last person you hugged: sham, last night for her birthday!

5) Last thing you laughed at: kim, giving meg advice about something.

6) Last time you cried: last monday, it's been a rough quarter/year.

7) What's in your cd player: linkin park, back by popular demand. :)

8) What colour socks are you wearing: none, au natural.

10) Whats under your bed: storage tubs stocked full of clothes and supplies. yeah, to college living and not enough space.

11) What time did you wake up today: 11:45am, thank god for sundays. ha.

12) Current taste: homemade pizza for lunch.

13) Current hair: down, drying. gimme a half and hour and it'll be up as usual.

14) Current clothes: jeans and a t-shirt. who do i have to impress?

15) Current annoyance: my job decision and the lack of ass in my life.

16) Current longing: finalizing my future plans and spending time with people i care about.

17) Current desktop picture: field of colorful flowers, it's springtime on my computer at least.

18) Current worry: i'll make the wrong decision of which school to work at and that i'll never date again.

19) Current hate: feeling sad and my philosophy of education class.

20) Current favorite article of clothing: my $20 target dress, "say yes to MI" t-shirt, new springy tank top.

21) Last cd that you bought: linkin park's meteora.

22) Favorite place to be: in the company of close friends and family, in a multicultural classroom, outside any time of year in a beautiful place--city, beach, forest...

23) Least favorite place: the NU library :) the token minority, alone when i'm lonely.

24) Time you wake up in the morning: monday-saturday, anywhere between 8:20-11am, depending on classes, work, and volunteering.

25) If you could play any instrument, what would it be: bassoon, bass guitar, upright bass, or tabla.

26) Favorite color: generally speaking, blue.

27) Do you believe in an afterlife?: i'd like to.

28) How tall are you?: 5'5".

29) Current favourite word/ saying: fab.

30) Favorite book: my mom's book, animal farm, fried green tomatoes at the whistle stop cafe...

31) Favorite season: fall, the season whose beginning is marked by my birthday ;).

32) One person from your past you wish you could go back and talk to: benjamin franklin (i know you saw that coming), langston hughes.

Future:
36) Where do you want to go: south africa, ireland, england, india, places in the US that i haven't been yet or my favorite places therein.

37) What is your career going to be: teacher, educator in other capacities.

38) How many kids do you want: 2. older boy and younger girl. but who knows what's in store. i hope i at least get to have kids. possible names: cole, cameron, julian, emily, jyoti, puja, kaiya, avani, autumn, jillian, keisha, corina, lisette, leo, amal, dario, pedro, and sol. a lot of these are new and i'm not sure about them.

39) What kind of car will you have: family car=toyota of some sort, they are tried and true. fun car=caddy.

Random
40) Type a line you remember from any book: "consensus commands communication.", from dewey's "democracy and education".

41) A random lyric: "there's something about the look in your eyes. something i noticed when the light was just right." from "echo" by incubus

42) Identify some things surrounding your computer: stuffed tiger, papers to be sorted, a pack of matches, sticky notes, pictures, books, blue from "blues's clues".

43) What's up: wasting time on a sunday 'cause so many things seem more important to think about than the work that i need to do for school.

2003-05-18T15:00:00.000-05:00

it's been a while. since last time i've visited whitney young, talked with teachers and administrators. the school was knocked off it's proverbial pedestal, but i could see myself teaching there. surprisingly, i think i'm leaning back toward lincoln park. but i suggest you check back on tuesday when i need to call the asst. principal and let him know what i am thinking. i can't believe that the new course of my life will be decided in less than 2 days. i wish there was a clear cut answer to this choice, but there really isn't. i think i'll make that pro/con list for both schools today if i can focus on this decision for long enough.

as for other aspects of life...i've come out of a week long funk with some new distance and perspective. but i still can't help but question myself sometimes. there are things that i still want so badly to be different that have not changed. my solution has been to set my sights on graduation and the end of this intense 4 year experience. but i think i've been in some ways denigrating the importance of all the relationships that i've built and those that have fallen apart. i hope that in this last month i can ensure that when everyone's moved on i have NO REGRETS.

lest i forget a HAPPY early BIRTHDAY to SHAM! whose 22nd we recognized yesterday. and CONGRATULATIONS to SUE on getting her internships in NYC and DC! i'm so proud even though i will miss you this summer!!!

also, i'm glad that rob is in gary this month and i can't wait to see him. i hope that dillo day is not disastrous with 8 (yes) guests--bri, dave, rob (you're coming), bich, and dianna and 3 of her friends. s'gonna be one hell of a weekend. hopefully any drunken hook-ups will be welcome ones. :)

wow, i just stumbled upon a great PBS education series called RACE. makes me excited to teach. :)

2003-05-08T01:51:00.000-05:00

what a day. i got the offer at whitney young, completely complicating my life. i was so surprised!!! i am so honored that they want me so badly and think so highly of me, but it would be easier if i didn't have to choose between two great schools. ugh. no complaining though, it wouldn't be fair. i'm excited to visit WYHS next week.

willard elementary school was quite interesting today as well. meg and i did some one on one with a couple of kids who have attention issues. then i nearly killed myself (i know that's not a joking matter, but it was really this bad) in philosophy of education. THANK GOD josh gracin was kicked off american idol tonight or i might not have recovered. also kudos to meg for being bold and i hope we can all solve our spring fever issues. who says girls don't have libidos or can't be aggressive?!?! damn straight. meg wishes to be disassociated from the above comment. well, i guess i'm the only horny one in the world. ha.

oh yeah, sue is feeling much better now that she got a sweet deal in her class. she doesn't have to write the papers, just has to do as much reading as she can. :) dianna will be done with her first year of law school tomorrow! congrats! and i, well, i will still be doing work in my classes, but only sporadically in between blowing it off in order to 1) talk to friends and family 2) drink 3) play outside 4) fantasize about things worth fantasizing about 5) watch some tv.

2003-05-06T01:39:00.000-05:00

woo-hoo, it's been a good day. i think my whitney young interview went well. we'll see when i get a call back. if i get an offer, that will certainly complicate my decision. talked to greg at work then met folks for dinner at giordono's. good times! chris and i then took sham for a short driving lesson in front of a cop. she didn't wreck my car, so i would say she passed. :) kudos sham. i think next time, there will just need to be more thoughtful tasks and more open space. now i've wasted hours and hours, well not wasted, chilling with roommate of the year, meg, listening to kim's new sig-o cd, talking to bich on the phone and others online. oh yeah! and rob sent me an amazing letter. it was so nice to get mail and he was just so sweet. so again, thanks rob! i don't have to worry, we'll be friends for life. that's all for now. i love you sue! you can do it!

2003-05-03T13:57:00.000-05:00

i'm in the g-rap again. just got back home a bit ago after dave drove me and sue back from east lansing. thanks to mr. vasquez for the lovely dinner last night. but most importantly-->CONGRATULATIONS BRI! you did us proud. first one to graduate. you're gonna be the best spanish teacher ottawa hills high school has ever seen. more later. gotta go out and shop for business attire for my whitney young interview on monday.

but lest i forget, HAPPY 23rd BIRTHDAY DIANNA!

2003-04-29T21:02:00.000-05:00

on another note, damn additional psychological confusion in life. sometimes, just sometimes, i wish i could read minds.

2003-04-29T20:59:00.000-05:00

so i could really use someone to tell me what to do with my life after graduation.

i got accepted to teach for america and was placed in detroit teaching elementary, but i'm also working on getting that interview with lincoln park high school and i just got a call today from whitney young high school and now i have an interview with them on monday! (this weekend i'm going to east lansing to see bri graduate and then home to buy some professional attire for this interview!)

here are the pros and cons of my two main options as of right now if things go right with LPHS and/or WYHS:

PROS of DETROIT:
i love meg! and she will prolly be in detroit too and we could be roomies forever!
i have family on both sides living in detroit and it would be great to be close by.
detroit is closer to grand rapids than chicago and i could see my parents more.
i would get to try teaching elementary. i could see myself with a classroom of little black children. it'd be like OWL all the time!

CONS of DETROIT:
do i want to give up my summer to do a stressful TFA institute in LA and be re-trained to be a teacher?
i won't get to apply what i've been paying to learn for 4 years now at NU.
i will be paid $8-10,000 less than in the chicago public schools, at least initially.

PROS of CHICAGO:
i love chicago! i've wanted to live in the city for a long time!
if i can solidify the job at LPHS, i know the teachers there and many of the students. i'd have a built-in support network.
i'd be following the plan i've had for myself for a long time and using all the skills i've been practicing for 4 years.
if i got a job at LPHS or WYHS, i'd be working with diverse groups of students.
i will be paid $8-10,000 more than in the detroit public schools.

CONS of CHICAGO:
i'd be away from a lot of people i love.
if i got a job at LPHS or WYHS, i'd be teaching more "privileged and/or gifted" kids.

what should i do??? i need to tell TFA by next monday, may 5th, the same day that i have the WYHS interview!

ps-tamica said she'd have to "slap america" if josh gracin doesn't get voted off "american idol" this week. kim locke rocks! and clay should sing all the way to broadway!

2003-04-20T16:39:00.000-05:00

so annoying, i just lost everything i was going to post. let's try again. first of all, love to tamica who needs some sunshine.

being at home is always good times. spending time and relaxing with my parents. thank god i made it home too. something in the ignition broke right after i parked the car in the driveway and the car wouldn't start, but once more. thank goodness for AAA again and the toyota dealer who took care of the car asap on saturday morning. thanks to them, i will be able to drive back to evanston though i'm so tempted to skip classes and work on tuesday and stay here another night. we'll see what happens.

hung out with sue, bri, and dave last night. just chilled, no major alcohol consumption, some of you will be glad to know. it was nice to just be together, especially knowing that it may be one of the last times we are together for a long time. though i say it constantly, i'm ready to be away from the intensity that is evanston and college life. at the same time, i'm so nervous about starting over again and being alone. but i guess it's only natural. bri, dave and i were also talking about our sexual frustration. bri 'cause her man is in iraq. dave and i 'cause we're unattached and unaggressive. dave deserves a cool girl so much. as for me, damn the 8th grade ouji board for still be right about 23. i'd love to be in a relationship, but i've come to accept the fact that it's just not going to happen any time soon. something about me isn't right, i guess. it's so easy for some people, but especially when i'm at school, i feel like guys don't even look at me, not unless they are panhandling. but anyway, i was saying that i'm pretty much over the relationship thing and the few crushes that i've had at NU have become mere memories. i keep wondering if i could handle one of those "friends with benefits" relationships. i always said that i wouldn't want that and i don't really think that emotionally i'd be adept, but damn, more and more it's an intriguing option. too bad i have no eligible male friends.

anywho, i'm enjoying being in beautiful michigan and feeling a little more care free. if i keep blasting the music back at school, i think i'll make it to june 20-21st. my new motto is: "life's so damn satisfying sometimes. and other times you're just left begging for more." so pardon me, if it's my new favorite away message. i think it effectively expresses my deep gratitude (for all my blessings), hopefulness (for the future), and frustration (for the present).

almost time for pseudo-easter dinner. even though the religiosity has seeped out of my family's life, we still use holidays as excuses to throw down and have a good meal. :) yeah god!

2003-04-14T23:44:00.000-05:00

Jennifer Johnson
Tuesday, April 15, 2003
African American Women’s Narratives 380
Harkins

Talkback Paper 1 - Words of Fire - Cheryl Clarke

As I began to read Cheryl Clarke’s essay “Lesbianism: An Act of Resistance” I was intrigued by her arguments. The idea that the very act of being lesbian could be seen as a form of resistance against heterosexual patronism was something I had not thought of before. Though I wondered whether Clarke’s argument implied that lesbianism was a choice, I still thought that her opening remarks carried weight, especially in the context of feminism. But as I read on to the third page of her essay, I struggled to get past one “aside” that hit close to home.

During Clarke’s discussion of the diversity within her definition of the lesbian community, I had to pause and reread a particular passage. In order to clarify her description, Clarke makes comparisons between issues of sexual identity and issues of racial identity. Though she appears to say that the lesbian community is inclusive, she seems to, in fact, reinforce negative stigmas about women she thinks hold insecure identities. She says, “There is the woman who engages in sexual-emotional relationships with women and labels herself bisexual” (244). The word bisexual is printed in italics, stripping it of validity. To complete the comparison, she likens bisexuality to biraciality by saying, “(This is comparable to the Afro-American whose skin color indicates her mixed ancestry yet who calls herself “mulatto” rather than black.).” This time instead of italics, parentheses serve to reduce biraciality to a subtle, passing aside. Though Clarke does not explicitly state any value judgment, the comparisons each connote dissatisfaction with differences in self-identification. She says that, “Bisexual is a safer label than lesbian,” which I recognize, because we live in a society where heterosexuality dominates, but with each metaphor she, in effect, describes women she thinks are at risk of falling victim to heterosexism. If a woman calls herself a bisexual or biracial, Clarke assumes that she is limiting her power to resist or to claim a valid role in resistance.

As someone who has identified herself as biracial or mixed her entire life, I was offended by the implication that bisexuals and biracial people are “coping out” by identifying themselves as such. I have close friends who identify themselves as bisexual and biracial and even both and Clarke’s statement just hit too close to home, even though it was not the main point of her essay. Perhaps, I read too much into her words. From that sentence on, however, it was much more difficult for me to think clearly about her main argument, because I was searching for further evidence that her words did indeed carry the judgment that I had felt.

I have always been one of those women on the outside of feminism. I was of the mind set that race marginalizes me and my fellow black female biracial peers more so than our gender. My interests have followed this conclusion and though I have always supported the struggle against sexism, my actions and statements have seldom focused on gender discrimination. As an aspiring teacher, I do think about how my race and gender will affect my practice as well as how the race and gender of my students will come into play in the classroom.

The essays in Words of Fire, including Clarke’s, have been very helpful to even just to remind me, as someone who is aware of the history of sexism and sexism within the black community, to view feminism as an important and interconnected concept that is greatly tied to race. Clarke’s remark also reminded me that many members of the black community question my place as a person who refuses to deny any part of her heritage by disregarding her “whiteness” or her “blackness.” I do not see claiming biraciality as a mechanism to distance myself from being black. I understand the skin privilege that I may have because I am mixed, but I am still marginalized along with my black sisters. Anyone can see that I am black. I am so proud and thankful for the joys and pains and especially the insights that I have as a racial minority. Anyone who knows me, knows that I cherish my background and family more than anything. By saying that I am biracial, I respect all of my family and the heritage of racial interaction that there has always been in this country, no matter how voluntary.

2003-04-08T23:59:00.000-05:00

grrrrrrrrrr. i suppose it's healthy to see something upsetting every once in a while, but that doesn't eliminate the sting. meg and i agree that "a.b.c africa" was an incredibly disrespectful and irresponsible film. supposedly about AIDS in Uganda, its actually about the ignorance of the film makers. i could go on, but i'm too frustrated right now. i should be reading plato, but who really ever wants to read plato.

on other fronts, i've come to the decision that it's too late in the year to make certain changes or repair things that are broken. sooooo, fuck it. i give up. it's just not worth my time to be the only person emotionally hurt. i had so much fun this past weekend and i will have even more fun if i repress bitterness. really. imma try. for my mental health, i'm only going to spend time worrying about reciprocal relationships with people who show me the same respect, empathy and generosity that i try to show, however imperfectly. i guess i've been too long listening to tamica's roar and now coming up with my own.

sadness that leanna is going to be moving back to iowa soon, but i know it's the best thing for her right now and that she's going to be an excellent teacher. i hope that some of us do indeed get to make a return trip to iowa. that was one of the best weekends i've had as an NU student.

in a few minutes--> HAPPY 22 KRISTEN!!! (and happy 22 darren!)

also, yeah memphis trip for, david! fingers crossed for sue's nyc internship even though that would mean i don't get to see her in june! good luck to rob on his return to music video-making! and keep holding on, holding on, bri! remember, i'll be back in GR on the 18th of this month! i 'spect to see you all! :)

2003-04-06T03:04:00.000-05:00

yeah for my permanent minimum three day weekends this quarter! on friday tamica, chris, fallon, jarrett and kristin had dinner at ethiopian diamond. yummm. then two hella fun gay bars with ankur and lillie! roscoe's people were so friendly! and it was good to see holden in another environment. charlie's was more intense, but fun too. i wish i hadn't been dehydrated, but that bass just keeps you going. not to mention the "dry raping" according to ankur. but it was cool. where else will people appreciate my "say yes to michigan shirt"? we'll just have to find out. tonight meg, tamica, kristen, ankur, bich and i went to see the alvin ailey dance company at the auditorium theater downtown! thanks to ankur for getting the $10 student tickets! it was a great show, especially the ailey choreographed peice from 1960. good dancers make dancing look so easy, it's phenomenal. ihop for a late night dinner and then a viewing of tamica's beautiful red bridesmaid dress! good choice! all in all a great weekend thus far. tomorrow, i must do work! and my reward will be seeing "bend it like beckham" again!

2003-04-02T16:41:00.000-06:00

so my lincoln park job lead is getting stronger with every visit. and of course when i went on monday to pick up recommendations, trish, my former cooperating teacher made me teach part of 8th period. crazy. i got my parents good for april fool's. i told them that lphs was only going to hire people with MAs instead of the fact that ms. wright, the assistant principal said, "i would love to hire you. i hope to hire you." today i had my teach for american interview which entailed a 5 min lesson plan, a group discussion, a writing exercise, and a personal interview with a role play. all in all i think it went very well, aside from the fact that i didn't get to describe my homework assignment because i ran out of time. but so did 2 or 3 other people, so it was ok. there were only 9 of us that showed up for the interview, which was interesting and we were all females. i actually knew 3 of them. really only one of the lessons stood out for me as being pretty good, but maybe i'm just too picky. a couple were completely age inappropriate and it makes you wonder why these girls had forgotten what they learned in past grades. oh well. ok, gotta go do a favor for ankur, try to hurry and get a nap in before my philosophy of education class from 6:30-9pm. peace.

2003-03-30T19:04:00.000-06:00

Spring Break in CALI! Eternal thanks to the Bahl family!
March 22nd-30th

Saturday the 22nd
-O'hare, mejor eye contact w/ hot latino boy on escalator, Cosmo @ the United gate --> "You smell good." OR "You look athletic. What sports do you play?" try all tactics at once ladies, Chris, senior in high school from MN in seat next to me and Meg, "Star Trek Nmesis," mean flight attendant, wait @ curb at San Jose International Airport for Ankur (pronounced ahn-coor as we practiced with family), "Don't back up!" or tire damage at the airport, the Silicon Valley @ night, quiet feast with Manju Aunty/Mom for dinner and fruit for dessert at the house on Miller Ave, air mattresses are Veyom's areas

Sunday the 23rd
-ready late, pack sandwiches and snacks, Ankur drives Nissan Pathfinder to San Francisco, Golden Gate Bridge, Parle-G?, picnic on Baker Beach with the tide coming in, peace in sand, Greco-Roman style Palace of Fine Arts, crookedest Lombard Street, Pier 39/Fisherman's Warf, view of Alcatraz, Bharatanatyam aka south indian classical dance Class, Yes, Sophia really does exist, Ankur's amazing solo asthma performance, Veyom rips pants as God Vishnu, end of the Oscars over feast dinner and fruit dessert with the family, "Bend It Like Beckham" is fabulous!

Monday the 24th
-ready late, pack lunches, Sophia is on time of course, pick up Holden @ Hostel International in San Francisco, hiking/walking through Muir Woods to the north of the bay, which freakin' path are we taking?!, sign all petitions, Yes, Ankur, we are well hydrated!, redwoods are tall, Kim runs for Ladycats, Strawberry Passion juice is really just Pineapple, back up windy road to get Holden's bags from the Hostel in SF, SF city hall is gorgeous! with coffers and ASPCA exhibit, feast for dinner and fruit dessert, "Lagaan" in not about kirkut aka cricket "Ouch, you made me run!"

Tuesday the 25th
-ready late, pack lunches, sweet potato chips, drive to Santa Cruz to see the boardwalk and keep on driving, Sea Cliff State Park Beach with fishing pier and concrete freighter http://travel.yahoo.com/p/parks/216608, waves & shells & naked children & dead fish & beautiful sunshine & frisbee, return to San Jose for intense Jumping for Joy practice, feast meal and fruit dessert, check email during Wordsters, up late learning about British politics from Holden while war coverages blazes on

Wednesday the 26th
-up less late, pack lunches, drive south to Napa Valley, but stop at amazing Stanford campus along the way, beautiful land & sky & cows & hills & water, Robert Mondavi Vineyards, voted #1 tour in Napa, Tom the tourguide's never been to Nepal, but MI does make wine, is Kim 21?, did Meg and Ankur sneak on the tour for tasting?, gravity and natural "wine growing" make Mondavi "beyond organic," mushroom buschetta & fume blanc & merlot & cabernet, we like it cheap!, one bottle of fume blanc for graduation, telepathic Kristen call!!!, back to SF, Kay Chung Seafood Restaurant in Chinatown has faaassst service and fish on the menu, quick service and a loyal family late dinner hour, drive downtown SF to find the Palomar and home, Nupur from UC-Riverside and Annika from Germany arrived

Thursday the 27th
-sleep in, eat lunch w/ Puri for Kim, Mom says pack snack, pile in van and drive back to SF, street fair near Market, Asian Art Museum appetizer, violent cable car ride and magnet world, walk and shop near Union Square, new vase for Mom, Old Navy has big legs!!!, Kristen calls from Palomar upstairs, posh hotel!!! go Gap! boo other NU candidates, Yeme says go to Panta Rei in Little Italy for dinner, walk to the restaurant with friendly Italian waiters, good $19 bottle of white wine and tiramisu on the house!, Sue, Bri & Dave tag team voicemails :) from Lansing, I love you! and I owe Rob several calls, hoof it back to the Peter and Paul Parish funeral church and then to Coit Tower @ night, walk back to the Palomar and chill, wait for Ankur and Sophia to come back from "non-romantic" dinner cruise, sorry Nupur!, drive Sophia to Freemont, Kim home to pack, chat with Veyom and Mom, Veyom drew "the nice NU folks" after his visit and apparently Tamica and I have big smiles!, write card for Aunty & Uncle

Friday the 28th
-Kim's on the 6:30am flight, chill at home, IM w/ dianna, late lunch of sandwich patties, visit Wilcox High School in Santa Clara journalism class for "cousin" Moniq 'cause Ankur's a pro, fabulous lesson plan!, teacher's child inhaled bug spray, Uncle stops by and we save Nupur and Annika, Ankur lead jump rope judging while we go to the movies, Nupur doesn't want to marry after seeing "The Hours," Meg and I felt the horrors of WWII through "The Pianist," Niddy spends the night, leave Kristen a Palomar/Gap message, late dinner

Saturday the 29th
-up earlier to go with Nupur and Manju Aunty to Santa Clara High School for the Regional jump rope tournament, lots of little girl jumpers, the Bahl family judges, two hour lunch/nap/run laps break @ Togo's and on the soccer field, Jumping for Joy and the Summerwind Skippers from Idaho go head to head in friendly competition, Miss Joy announces the longest award ceremony ever and awards 5 medals herself, Michelle does well, Pizza Chicago for dinner, the whole family watches "Center Stage," laughing my ass off with the family and the family friends, Veyom gets into Northwestern!!! waitlisted @ Stanford, Mahar and his mom, Moniq, Niddy and little Pooja's dad are all great, Pooja doesn't like the hair in her face and she likes birthday hugs, the Bahl's fall asleep in the living room

Sunday the 10th
-early morning goodbyes, at San Jose International by 5:25am, there's Randi from Alpha Chi who I thought was LOC, but she's Anthro, sleep through "The Emperor's Club" and talk from behind of the country music industry, bags and lonnnnggg el ride home to e-town

2003-03-19T22:41:00.000-06:00

can i just tell you that my mind is blown!!! meg and i have come to some startling conclusions here in our new home--the library. charles was unjustly voted off "american idol," which i was devastated about and then we got wind online that the attack on iraq had started, again jolting us back into reality and putting things in perspective.

remember folks, just because i and others are against war in general and this war specifically, does not mean that we support saddam hussein or condone his actions. it does mean that we respect international diplomacy, cooperation, and human life. neither saddam hussein, nor lil' george bush have the right to be a dictator and bully. yes, history is rife with violence, but that does not justify its continuation. where's jimmy carter when you need him?

2003-03-18T10:27:00.000-06:00

here's the whole transcript from cnn.com. at least this helps me remember that the neuroscience final that i just did mediocre on, doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. at least i'm smarter than GW, though that's not saying much. let's all think about who's the dictator from a global perspective.

President Bush televised address to the nation on Monday, March 17, 2003, at 7pm CST.

My fellow citizens, events in Iraq have now reached the final days of decision.

For more than a decade, the United States and other nations have pursued patient and honorable efforts to disarm the Iraqi regime without war. That regime pledged to reveal and destroy all of its weapons of mass destruction as a condition for ending the Persian Gulf War in 1991.

Since then, the world has engaged in 12 years of diplomacy. We have passed more than a dozen resolutions in the United Nations Security Council. We have sent hundreds of weapons inspectors to oversee the disarmament of Iraq.

Our good faith has not been returned. The Iraqi regime has used diplomacy as a ploy to gain time and advantage. It has uniformly defied Security Council resolutions demanding full disarmament.

Over the years, U.N. weapons inspectors have been threatened by Iraqi officials, electronically bugged and systematically deceived. Peaceful efforts to disarm the Iraq regime have failed again and again because we are not dealing with peaceful men.

Intelligence gathered by this and other governments leaves no doubt that the Iraq regime continues to possess and conceal some of the most lethal weapons ever devised. This regime has already used weapons of mass destruction against Iraq's neighbors and against Iraq's people.

The regime has a history of reckless aggression in the Middle East. It has a deep hatred of America and our friends and it has aided, trained and harbored terrorists, including operatives of Al Qaeda. The danger is clear: Using chemical, biological or, one day, nuclear weapons obtained with the help of Iraq, the terrorists could fulfill their stated ambitions and kill thousands or hundreds of thousands of innocent people in our country or any other.

The United States and other nations did nothing to deserve or invite this threat, but we will do everything to defeat it. Instead of drifting along toward tragedy, we will set a course toward safety.

Before the day of horror can come, before it is too late to act, this danger will be removed.

The United States of America has the sovereign authority to use force in assuring its own national security. That duty falls to me as commander of chief by the oath I have sworn, by the oath I will keep. Recognizing the threat to our country, the United States Congress voted overwhelmingly last year to support the use of force against Iraq.

America tried to work with the United Nations to address this threat because we wanted to resolve the issue peacefully. We believe in the mission of the United Nations.

One reason the U.N. was founded after the Second World War was to confront aggressive dictators actively and early, before they can attack the innocent and destroy the peace.

In the case of Iraq, the Security Council did act in the early 1990s. Under Resolutions 678 and 687, both still in effect, the United States and our allies are authorized to use force in ridding Iraq of weapons of mass destruction. This is not a question of authority, it is a question of will.

Last September, I went to the U.N. General Assembly and urged the nations of the world to unite and bring an end to this danger. On November 8th, the Security Council unanimously passed Resolution 1441, finding Iraq in material breach of its obligations and vowing serious consequences if Iraq did not fully and immediately disarm.

Today, no nation can possibly claim that Iraq has disarmed. And it will not disarm so long as Saddam Hussein holds power.

For the last four and a half months, the United States and our allies have worked within the Security Council to enforce that council's longstanding demands. Yet some permanent members of the Security Council have publicly announced that they will veto any resolution that compels the disarmament of Iraq. These governments share our assessment of the danger, but not our resolve to meet it.

Many nations, however, do have the resolve and fortitude to act against this threat to peace, and a broad coalition is now gathering to enforce the just demands of the world.

The United Nations Security Council has not lived up to its responsibilities, so we will rise to ours. In recent days, some governments in the Middle East have been doing their part. They have delivered public and private messages urging the dictator to leave Iraq so that disarmament can proceed peacefully.

He has thus far refused.

All the decades of deceit and cruelty have now reached an end. Saddam Hussein and his sons must leave Iraq within 48 hours. Their refusal to do so will result in military conflict commenced at a time of our choosing.

For their own safety, all foreign nationals, including journalists and inspectors, should leave Iraq immediately.

Many Iraqis can hear me tonight in a translated radio broadcast, and I have a message for them: If we must begin a military campaign, it will be directed against the lawless men who rule your country and not against you.

As our coalition takes away their power, we will deliver the food and medicine you need. We will tear down the apparatus of terror and we will help you to build a new Iraq that is prosperous and free.

In free Iraq there will be no more wars of aggression against your neighbors, no more poison factories, no more executions of dissidents, no more torture chambers and rape rooms.

The tyrant will soon be gone. The day of your liberation is near.

It is too late for Saddam Hussein to remain in power. It is not too late for the Iraq military to act with honor and protect your country, by permitting the peaceful entry of coalition forces to eliminate weapons of mass destruction. Our forces will give Iraqi military units clear instructions on actions they can take to avoid being attack and destroyed.

I urge every member of the Iraqi military and intelligence services: If war comes, do not fight for a dying regime that is not worth your own life.

And all Iraqi military and civilian personnel should listen carefully to this warning: In any conflict, your fate will depend on your actions. Do not destroy oil wells, a source of wealth that belongs to the Iraqi people. Do not obey any command to use weapons of mass destruction against anyone, including the Iraqi people. War crimes will be prosecuted, war criminals will be punished and it will be no defense to say, "I was just following orders." Should Saddam Hussein choose confrontation, the American people can know that every measure has been taken to avoid war and every measure will be taken to win it.

Americans understand the costs of conflict because we have paid them in the past. War has no certainty except the certainty of sacrifice.

Yet the only way to reduce the harm and duration of war is to apply the full force and might of our military, and we are prepared to do so.

If Saddam Hussein attempts to cling to power, he will remain a deadly foe until the end.

In desperation, he and terrorist groups might try to conduct terrorist operations against the American people and our friends. These attacks are not inevitable. They are, however, possible.

And this very fact underscores the reason we cannot live under the threat of blackmail. The terrorist threat to America and the world will be diminished the moment that Saddam Hussein is disarmed. Our government is on heightened watch against these dangers. Just as we are preparing to ensure victory in Iraq, we are taking further actions to protect our homeland.

In recent days, American authorities have expelled from the country certain individuals with ties to Iraqi intelligence services.

Among other measures, I have directed additional security at our airports and increased Coast Guard patrols of major seaports. The Department of Homeland Security is working closely with the nation's governors to increase armed security at critical facilities across America.

Should enemies strike our country, they would be attempting to shift our attention with panic and weaken our morale with fear. In this, they would fail.

No act of theirs can alter the course or shake the resolve of this country. We are a peaceful people, yet we are not a fragile people. And we will not be intimidated by thugs and killers.

If our enemies dare to strike us, they and all who have aided them will face fearful consequences.

We are now acting because the risks of inaction would be far greater. In one year, or five years, the power of Iraq to inflict harm on all free nations would be multiplied many times over. With these capabilities, Saddam Hussein and his terrorist allies could choose the moment of deadly conflict when they are strongest. We choose to meet that threat now where it arises, before it can appear suddenly in our skies and cities.

The cause of peace requires all free nations to recognize new and undeniable realities. In the 20th century, some chose to appease murderous dictators whose threats were allowed to grow into genocide and global war.

In this century, when evil men plot chemical, biological and nuclear terror, a policy of appeasement could bring destruction of a kind never before seen on this earth. Terrorists and terrorist states do not reveal these threats with fair notice in formal declarations.

And responding to such enemies only after they have struck first is not self defense. It is suicide. The security of the world requires disarming Saddam Hussein now.

As we enforce the just demands of the world, we will also honor the deepest commitments of our country. Unlike Saddam Hussein, we believe the Iraqi people are deserving and capable of human liberty, and when the dictator has departed, they can set an example to all the Middle East of a vital and peaceful and self-governing nation.

The United States with other countries will work to advance liberty and peace in that region. Our goal will not be achieved overnight, but it can come over time. The power and appeal of human liberty is felt in every life and every land, and the greatest power of freedom is to overcome hatred and violence, and turn the creative gifts of men and women to the pursuits of peace. That is the future we choose.

Free nations have a duty to defend our people by uniting against the violent, and tonight, as we have done before, America and our allies accept that responsibility.

Good night, and may God continue to bless America.

2003-03-18T10:22:00.000-06:00

think about this quote that chris had up as an away message and then read the above transcript of bush's speech last night. what a fucking joke. too bad people are going to die because of it. so much hypocrisy, there's no point in explaining the decisions that have been made.

"Of course the people don't want war. But after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy, and it's always a simple matter to drag the people along whether it's a democracy or a fascist dictatorship or a parliament or a communist dictatorship.... Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger."

-- Hermann Goering, Nazi Reichsmarshall and Luftwaffe-Chief, during the Nuremberg Trials

2003-03-15T13:47:00.000-06:00

hmm, one of my posts from the library seems to have been lost in the online world. wish i remembered what i wrote. i'm sure it was profound. i think i mentioned something about the strange pregnancy dream that i had on monday night. i really don't want to have one of those again. hope it doesn't mean something. ha. at least in the dream i was not completely stupid and i blamed it on immaculate conception. ;)

i think i said something along the lines of "the more things change, the more things stay the same," which seemed appropriate for how i've been feeling lately in a very paradoxical way. i dunno. i'm feeling like maybe i should be going home for spring break, but hopefully i'll get home early on in april. i've been working on a crazy job application for ETHS and trying to get things together for a small SESP award, which i doubt that i'll win. i was really trying to not be so down and negative about NU, but things just keep popping up making me wish for spring to come even sooner. i'm still aware of the big picture for sure, i'm blessed, but some of my (what i thought were) reasonable expectations aren't being met and it's hard to deal with sometimes. apologies for my negative energy, maybe you can help me find my PMA.

2003-03-10T01:10:00.000-06:00

i need some love. not a specific kind, just any good love. so lay it on me.

first and foremost:
HAPPY 22ND BIRTHDAY DAVID! you're my boy and i love you. additional love to the best group of friends a girl could ask for, sue, bri, rob and dave!!! in the words of lenny kravits (and many people who said it before, but not so melodically), "i'm thinking of yooooouuu." i hope to be in MI in april.

congrats to my homies who made it through DM! kristen, tamica, meg, andrew and kim, you are still alive and i'm so glad! i may have mad beef with DM and their charity of choice, but i certainly will always support you. so good job and i love you too! and jenny, the flute goddess, kicked ass and i missed it, but she still rocks! and to the others who danced or worked on DM (emily, hannah, tp, joy, bill, rachel, ex-elder residents, ben, hannah, and others), you made it through. :)

NCE was amazing and even though i wasn't filled with the jesus spirit, i still really enjoyed the wonderful music and talent. and taking event pictures is always an interesting challenge.

thanks to chris for going grocery shopping with me and for seeing that crazy movie, "adaptation." i didn't know what to say after that one. you have to see it to understand why.

also mad props to ankur for doing his dance thang in danceworks! i can't wait to see it next weekend!

oh and a shout out to leanna for quitting SCORE!!! you're on your way!

the quasi-important things on my mind that are supposed to be my priority at school are my soc presentation and final paper, neuroscience final, history take-home, which i have to do gobs of reading for, my teach for america lesson plan after break, and my resume that has not yet been sent to LPHS.

2003-03-04T23:20:00.000-06:00

i removed this from my list of away messages so i thought i would make sure that i recorded the moment somewhere. :) i think i'm getting quote happy.

"jen, don't smell my nuts!" -meg, on some strange nuts, the kind you eat (lol), rather the kind that grow in the ground or on trees, that she got as a present over winter break. 1/14/03 10:30pm

2003-03-04T10:42:00.000-06:00

A Canadian is talking with an American.
The Canadian asks: "What proof do you have that Iraq has Weapons of Mass Destruction?"
The American replies: "We kept the receipts."
-chris's away message 3/4/03

2003-03-03T09:33:00.000-06:00

one more quote from pita inn:
"how are you gonna decide on a man to marry, if you can't even decide between the falafil sandwich and falafil plate?" -mitali, on her mom's philosophy of indecision. good point, eh? ;)

2003-03-02T22:01:00.000-06:00

i have spent way too much money this weekend. went to 1800 with kristen and kim on thursday, had 5 drinks and paid for one of kristen's. went to the music box movie theater with kristen, meg and tamica where the tickets to see "amandla!" were $8.50, plus $7 for parking and we ate at chipotle beforehand. then last night, i spent a little money on beer i think at 1800 club after tamica and sham's party. then oasis exec went to pita inn for dinner. i have no will power. :)

all of these things were fun and worth it though. i just need to save money for spring break. tamica and sham's party was entertaining, but it was a bad idea on my part to have 4 shots in something like an hour or an hour and a half. sadly, i was really hungover today. i actually threw up after folks left. bk was the contributing factor. grrrr. not fun at all, but i had a really good time with david and bich at the party and 1800 club afterwards. thanks to david for driving late to see me! it was really fun to hang out with him here. i hope he had a good time despite my hungoverness today. seemed like the party was a big success and that folks were having fun. so big thanks to tamica and sham for hosting.

now i'm gonna be like other folks with their blogs and site two quotes from our oasis exec outing tonight which i thought were funny. :)

"it's a little bit like baby rat." -meg, on the color of pink paper that mitali made the "apply for oasis exec" flyers on.

"it's a coffee paradigm." -darren, on the fact that usually you just get decaf OR regular coffee after the great idea joe had to mix decaf and regular if coffee is too strong for you, which it is for mitali.

2003-02-24T14:52:00.000-06:00

yes, if i'm writing another entry, i must be at work. blogger was down last night so i was delayed. s'prolly better that i'm writing today since the sunday blahs are killer. plus i got bad news from two folks. a friend's aunt was just diagnosed with breast cancer and my other friend's boyfriend was called to active duty in the marines. needless to say i was a little perturbed. i'm just hoping that things for both friends don't progress. george bush can kiss my ass as far as i'm concerned. his kids aren't going to get sent to war.

on a more positive note, i went to the lambda chi formal on saturday night and had a good time with allan, lillie and ankur. i got a new dress, a slinkier one shoulder deal, that's hot red with a black shear covering so it looks more maroon. thanks to tamica for helping me shop and to the parents for helping me rework the budget. mom's right, i'd better start planning so that i have some cash to bring to cali for spring break. i'm so excited about this trip. even though i really want to go home, going someplace new is going to be a great break.

2003-02-16T23:48:00.000-06:00

i love my parents! i'm soooo lucky. so my mom's talk at the wilmette public library tonight went really well even though there weren't tons of community members present. thank you so much to kristin, jarrett, kristen, sham, tamica, leanna, ankur and veyom for coming and supporting her! it meant so much to me and to her that you were willing to come. i thnk you prolly learned more about my mom and indirectly about me than you prolly ever imagined. i hope you could see how passionate she is and why i'm so proud to be her daughter. i am so much a product of history and of my parents views and upbringings. she's so cute 'cause she forgot a page so she had to wing a short section, but i think everyone liked that 'cause it showed her as the consumate writer and perfectionist. she got really animated showing her journals and artifacts, pictures and such and then during the questions afterwards. she got a great honorarium too which helps the family budget. she needs to hear and see how important and unique her experiences are and the lawyer who helped organize it thinks she should get a grant to have her journals and artifacts preserved for a historical society because she had such unique and life-changing experiences.

anywho, just got back from chillin' for a bit with the parents at their hotel. i wish i could spend more time with them, but this is the start of my hell week, so no can do. i hope that i can go home sometime soon for a short visit. see my parents, my poor sick cat, and drive around to see friends. i promise i'll bring all my friends home at least once more before graduation too. alright, time to do my teach for america application and then go to bed!!!

2003-02-12T12:44:00.000-06:00

damn the world of exploding radiators and broken computers! you cannot break us! we're still gonna get through to graduation! remember this tamica!

kim's birthday was good time. i bought two dvds that came out (my big fat greek wedding and brown sugar) and didn't do enough studying, but oh well. such is life. at least now i have romantic movies to watch on valentine's day. thanks mom and dad for my only valentine. :) you guys are so dependable. i love you and can't wait to see you on sunday. i'm so glad that i had a reason to drink as sad as that sounds. first time being drunk this quarter. not terribly drunk, but drunk enough to spew too much to jen toh about a certain someone who i do think is a nice person, but who really is somewhat sketch. i don't regret warning a fellow female. good to chill with sham, daniel and alvaro who i haven't gone out with in a while. and ankur needs to realize that i don't hate white people, but i do have a lot of insecurities related to race and am more comfortable in mixed settings. i would like my whole heritage to be recognized, but the most salient part of my identity to the outside world is black and i'm proud of who i am. back me up rob! except i dunno how rob really feels about white people. ;)

i hope that the next time we go out kristen and meg have a fantabulous time 'cause it's been a while. anywho, kim's excited about her formal date and he seemed like a nice rotc boy. you gotta love buzz cuts. :) we sort of shook on a truce with one of the noisemakers who lives above us, but we'll see if that holds up. kim and i get along so well when we've both been drinking. last night was just generally too long a time in coming. i think my mental state would be a lot better, as alcoholic as it sounds, if i just went out casually like that with people i care about to just talk and unwind. i do want to keep doing new things and going to new places, but maybe the pressure to always do something new and exciting is a bit unreasonable. i could spend much more time at places like the heartland cafe and 1800 club and be perfectly happy.

on a side note "american idol" is really entertaining no matter how prepackaged it is. charles and kim from the first round were truly talented and i'm sure kim will get a wildcard spot. this week, i'm all about nerdy clay, routund rueben, and tremendously kick ass kim. it's nice to see people get recognized for their talent, despite the overdone reality tv aspects.

aight, as of right now, imma vow to try and be more positive. i've not been completely down the last couple of weeks, but i've been letting my frustrations rule my everyday outlook. i'm going to try and bring back my good ole PMA. it might not always succeed, especially not in the morning or when i'm in the mood to be alone, but maybe it will help lift my spirits and repair relationships.

2003-02-10T22:00:00.000-06:00

rob's away message today is posted below. :) thanks again, it made my day. i'm sure angela was feeling the biracial love too. i love you lots!

"I know what you are thinking...hey rob havent you liked this one mixed girl for more than half your life and arent you dating a mixed girl now...yeah thats true but sometimes it takes wonders like Mariah Carey's second halftime dress at the All-Star game to make you really learn...mixed women, they are beautiful too...wow..."

2003-02-10T15:50:00.000-06:00

i am currently at IPR, not working. don't tell. i just needed a break from listening to transcripts. ugh. i'm going to be here for quite a while. yeah for going to 1800 club tomorrow for kim's birthday. i could use a drink. remind me to post rob's away message from today here. it was an homage to biracial females 'cause he has an overdose in his life. it actually snowed a little today. reminds me of winter. ha.

yesterday leanna came to visit. finally gave her her birthday present from november. :) she's prolly gonna be unemployed soon since she's gonna tell lauren at SCORE to kiss her ass sometime this week. i'm excited for her though i know the prospect of not having a new plan finalized is prolly a little nerve wracking. i'm sure she'll find something. made some flashcards for brittany, my OWL buddy who shies away from challenges. i'm hoping i can at least help her to memorize her multiplication facts by the end of this year. that would be an accomplishment. i remember fondly my mom drilling me on the walk to and while waiting at the bus stop when i was in elementary school.

hmmm, i really want to buy the dvds of "my big fat greek wedding" and "brown sugar" which come out tomorrow, but with bills and paychecks coming slowly i'm trying to be conservative with my spending. especially since things we so tight last month and i had to charge the balance of kim's tv on my visa.

oh yeah, pedro, my plant is trying to make a comeback! somehow he started a tiny little bud at the base of the stem. so he's only an inch and half tall right now, but at least he's alive. i really need to get another plant in my life again. they do much to improve one's mood. and plants are the only men in my life, only 'cause i always give my plants men's names.

grrr, i better get back to work.

2003-02-09T18:23:00.000-06:00

so apparently i haven't updated in a while, so here goes. i don't have anything insightful to say really. i'm just plugging away. i obviously recovered from being sick and made up my midterm. went to heartland cafe, which i love, with tamica "the bold", sham, chris and meg on friday. OWL went well on saturday except for the fact that we had extra volunteers. :( sombit turned 21 on saturday-yeah! saw funkadesi again last night at the old town school of folk music with tamica and bich which was chill. talked to the bassist who created the band. mitali better come the next time they have an all ages show! ;)

i got all the money (except from ankur) for kim's tv and her birthday celebration with her parents came off really well i think. her mom was too cute cooking all the food and making sure everything from the wine to the music to kim's birthday present from them (the last supper painting) had italian connections. kim loves her tv and that makes me glad. i know that she can't say that this was a disappointing birthday now. that's what i wanted to avoid since i know how birthdays can be a let down psychologically. they are just too much stress sometimes. it's strange how much meaning you can attach to that one day every year. i think getting big gifts in groups is nice too since you can really focus on what someone wants or needs. of course, not everyone needs an expensive tv so that idea won't always work. and i know it meant a lot to kim to have her parents here even with all the family health issues going on right now.

i'm doing ok. feeling kind of blah about everything. i'm obviously detached from school 'cause the motivation is gone, but i'm not feeling excited about anything right now. everyone's wrapped up in classes and their own activities and heads. i think i need a goal, something to look forward to. i am looking forward to seeing my parents next weekend, i just wish the visit wasn't so brief and that i had more time to spend with them. i guess spring break will do it. my first trip to cali. i'm certainly excited about that. i wish i had time to go home to visit and to get to kzoo and MSU to see sue and bri, but i'm definitely going to work out at least one visit next quarter and hopefully folks like rob and david will be able to join. i need a g-rap reunion. break was just so natural and chill. i also really want to visit dianna at OSU before the end of the year. hmmmm, if only i was graduating early or just didn't have responsibilities.

i really need to focus and put more energy into the job search, but it's hard to think about that psychologically and it's just hard to find the time to sit down and work on sending resumes and such. btut i'd better try harder. i don't think i can be the adultolescent that goes home to live with the folks after they graduate from college. :) i love my parents, but the umbilical cord has been cut.

i think i should also work on making sure i put up worth stuff on this blog. i mean, writing about nothing is a nice break for me, but i'm sure it's pretty bland reading for you. sorry. i'll try to inject a little humor and excitement into my life and by default into my blog.

2003-02-04T19:08:00.000-06:00

damn gastroenteritis. kept me down for almost two days now, but you will not win.

2003-02-02T00:33:00.000-06:00

as much as i hate philosophical conversations, i have to thank curtis askew for getting me into them every once in a while. it was really interesting on friday to talk about affirmative action, bush, dating, humanity, semantics, surnames and so much more. i always feel like i learn something after talking to him and that's fabulous. whether i agree with him or not he makes me think. thank god i have cool bosses like susan and greg who like to "waste" two working hours just talking. :) makes me think of leanna and how she always appreciated the intellectual conversations she had while at NU. (even though curtis always insightfully points out the abounding inherent flaws of this school.) wish i could say i had that kind of convo more. i think i mostly talk about things from a very personal or offended perspective. i have a hard time loosing biases and just debate for debatings sake. everything doesn't have to be an impassioned plea, though there's nothing wrong with those. i think i'm usually on the defensive because of this school environment. i feel like i have to prove things sometimes. s'not a good feeling. other people should feel uncomfortable sometimes. not the same folks who always do.

aight, can you tell? i'm having one of those insecure nights where i'm questioning people's thoughts and actions. :O what you say? that's not unusual for jen, i know. thanks to dianna for starting me on that path. :) we are just two beautiful and completely insecure girls who need to hear honest compliments and feel liked. i haven't been worried about the dating thing for a long while now, but i think it might be coming back. or maybe it's just tonight. i want to have good male friends and separate dating relationships. but i have this habit of falling for friends. so that puts me and friends in awkward situations. hence, the solution is few actually close male friends and no dates either. not sure i like this solution. i have no idea if anyone here has ever liked me, but even if they did, they would not have the balls to say so. i mean, i know i should be assertive too, but because i'm so insecure, i like to hide behind the traditional scenario of guys asking girls out. can someone just step out on a limb? for now, jen's going to just try to patch up existing friendships. i should try harder to let go of any dating expectations while i'm still at this school.

this is soooooo fucked up that i'm writing this shit when i should be studying for my damn midterm on monday!!! i hate school! i mean, that's not even completely true, but school is impeding particular aspects of my growth in life. my priorities have shifted, or maybe they haven't. i dunno. can't a girl have it all? from the looks of things, guess not. i think i just want my degree so i can jet and get on with my life. it won't be simple after graduation, but at least it won't be this intense social/academic battle that college is right now. it's feeling like a very artificially created environment at this point, and i wanna break out of the bubble. i want to feel genuine and have people appreciate the real me. the intensity and the stress really fucks with your personality and how you want to act and think. well, that's at least how i feel. at least that's what i'm putting out there. who knows if i'm being truly honest with myself or with you out there.

aight, imma stop torturing you and myself. :) really today was not all bad. OWL was frustrating at times, but largely good. gotta love the chillins'.

sorry to ankur for another depressing blog entry. not that he should have any say into what i want to share. at least i'm getting stuff out. whether or not it should be in a public forum, i dunno. apologies if you think not.

whatever, i'm sure this is all brought on by stress. once my midterm is over, i'll be unaffected. when were my blog entries really bad before? when i was going through hell to finish my teaching portfolio. :)

2003-01-29T20:01:00.000-06:00

omg. tamica and i are sitting in the SESP office like losers, wasting time. she has a meeting soon and i'm delaying my travel to the library to meet kristen. tamica claims she's not a loser, but she has been in this office for quite a few hours.

i really, really, really don't want to do work. the senioritis is getting to be a serious case. on top of that, i risk infection from multiple fronts at my own apartment. kim has had the flu for 3 days now. meg was just diagnosed with pink eye or the lovely conjunctivitis today. fab-you-loss.

more importantly HAPPY 22ND BIRTHDAY BRIANNA! i know you're out living it up. :) i wish i could be there. tamica just asked, "how do sheep do it?" referring to the wearing of wool. hmm, let's think tamica. man, i really need to get out of here, this is getting ugly. on top of it all we're missing "american idol."

oh yeah, and thank you GW for the lamest state of the union address ever. i'm all for the AIDS funding and the hydrogen cars, but let's see if this compassionate conservative can deliver on any of his social policies before the next election. 'cause does anyone really believe that those things are at the forefront of the republican party agenda. ha. he spoke today in grand rapids, mi at one of our hospitals. glad i wasn't in town for that. aight. peace out for now.

2003-01-27T00:16:00.000-06:00

went to dinner night with lauren who i worked with this summer at IPR. she's a cool girl. it's surprising for me to strike up a friendship with a new trier graduate. i should always have an open mind, right? it is like i'm being my mom in some weird way and i took lauren by 1635 wilmette and 810 lake, the two houses where my mom grew up. i got to meet the rest of lauren's family too as they watched the superbowl. her mom is one of the folks in charge of IPR so i had met her over the summer. i think her parents are going to come to hear my mom speak at the wilmette public library on the 16th for black history month! yeah! anyway, lauren's a junior at umich and she's leaving on thursday for paris and then capetown, south africa for a study abroad program. i'm so excited for her! it was really good to just chill and talk at the heartland cafe and hear more about her brother and her plans for after graduation. it was also nice for both of us to have the cute waiter. :)

aight, time for work and then bed. it's gonna be a long week.

2003-01-26T15:15:00.000-06:00

man, i dunno how i'm feeling today. it's been another week of me not doing my work for class, even though i did successfully write a paper.

ankur finally turned 21 at midnight on friday and yesterday, i got to go to dinner with his dad, cousin and another best friend from home, susan. i felt bad 'cause i somehow ended up being the person picking the restaurant, but i think it worked out. i wish i had had a chance to talk more to his dad, but it was hard to talk across the table. thanks to him for dinner. it always is hard to let someone's parent pay for my meal, because i know that my parents would never do that for such a big group. they did take me and meg out to clarke's once. :)

it seemed as though ankur really liked the gifts (harry potter scarf and jane austen complete works) that we got him as a group. remember people, you owe tamica money, pay her. kim blew up a picture i took of her and ankur this summer which was really nice. made me feel like i should have done something more personal, but i didn't think of it, so, oh well. after dinner, i got all flustered trying to get things organized to go to club 720 downtown. we finally got our acts together and got down there in the cold, not nearly fast enough to keep meg and kristen from freezing after being in the city all day for the ULP retreat. the good thing about 720 is that cover was free because we brought passes from online. the bad thing about 720 in that their drinks are insanely priced. ankur and i had two tequila shots the entire time we were there, which loosened me up a little, but didn't really get me going. me being so tired, i think, had much more of an impact. i really had wanted to drink drink, but some other time i guess. but, i got the announcer guy to say happy birthday to ankur over the sound system which was cool..

despite non-attractive men being the only ones to try to get up on me, i really liked the club. it was pretty diverse (age and race -wise) and was not filled with overly pretentious people. four floors of dancing. we stayed on the 4th floor the whole time which was techno/house and then hip hop. i really wish we had spent some time in the basement with the merenge. the rhythm was much tighter down there, in my opinion. but maybe it just would have been something new. when we went to get our coats from the basement, i could not help but dance. thank god, i just ran into bich right away when i went to go find her! i know bich would have been upset if i had not found her. and i was glad to have her there for support. it was really good to see her out and smiling. her crew is a little stiff, but that's ok. i tried to loosen the boys up a bit. i would like to come back when kristen and meg aren't so tired physically and emotionally. i had a pretty good time and i'm sure the next time we go back, i'll be drunker before we show up. it seemed like kim and ankur had a good time together. and poor hannah got really tired after having a couple of shots. i think she wanted to leave earlier than we did. i was hoping to go to 1800 and drink some more with my $6, but the el caught on fire, yeah, it did. we all had to get off and then we ended up taking a cab with these two twenty-something evanstonians, who were really funny. it was nice because i did get to talk to hannah and susan some on the el and at dinner and i really enjoyed that. hannah is hannah and i gotta love her, and susan was super cool and nice. i would definitely like to hang out with her again someday. maybe spring break, if that ever gets figured out.

some time i hope that bri and sue can come and then we can go out to a club and i'll really get my drink and dance on. i'm sure bri will get up on some guy. j/k bri. :) and i'll have to show david a good time when he comes for his spring break.

i thought i had cleared up the the fuzzy ideas in my mind about this year and about people, but i think this weekend just made things fuzzier. i'm in the mood to really be alone, but that can never be done. i feel like i want to move on, but i'm not sure what i even mean by that. damn the college environment. there's not enough time in one weekend to socialize and analyze and do homework. i think i'll go to the library after work and dinner this week to get stuff done. i better wrap this up now. gotta shower for an oasis meeting and then dinner with lauren from umich and new trier who i worked with this summer.

2003-01-21T01:05:00.000-06:00

yeah for MLK jr day. boo for the new mentoring program. it could have been so great, but alas... cornel west rocks my world and imma read "race matters" when i have time for pleasure reading. if only i had gotten the book signed. i wish i had more energy and time to devote to talking about everything he spoke about. so many simple, yet poingnant, thought-povoking and important messages. it's days like this that i get excited about being on a college campus. tomorrow is back to the daily grind. too bad my grind is harder since i'm freaking so behind in history. one. (as the kids at LPHS taught me to say)

2003-01-19T03:49:00.000-06:00

can i just say that funkadesi sounds even better live than they do on their cd. even though we could have gotten tickets at the door, even though we could have gotten there later and not stood through karma sutra and deep, it was totally worth it. after funkadesi came on and i was on my third drink, i was dancing my ass off. so much so that the girl behind me, who was super polite said something like, "i'm a huge dancing supporter, but you've punched me a few times." i had to tone it down from then on, but not that much. the only bad thing about the double door is that there is only one bathroom with two stalls. i got lucky in that there was never a terribly long women's line, but the TP did run out in one stall by my last visit. they ought to do something about that. the added bonus about the show was that it was a benefit for the chicago coalition for the homeless, which seems like a really neat organization. yet another type place i wouldn't mind working for. the representative spoke during each break, between the 3 bands, and read portions of MLK jr's Nobel Prize acceptance speech. pretty nice tribute i thought and i told him so after the show. so even though it was cold, and the transportation long both ways into wicker park and back, i'm so glad that we went. thanks to meg and andrew for agreeing to this evening.

now, if only i had gotten some work done today besides laundry and making hummos. oh well. nothing can be done now.

2003-01-16T18:44:00.000-06:00

bush is such and evil mutha fucka!!! he writes a brief against affirmative action the day after martin luther king jr's birthday and 3 months before the supreme court wil come down with a decision. almost makes me wish i went to u of m so i could prove them wrong. we are all qualified to be in college!!! it's a damn point system at umich, you still have to got a certain amount of points and being a minority is not worth that many.

time for janeane gaoafalo!!!

2003-01-13T00:41:00.000-06:00

could i be any more unmotivated to do work? all i want to do is hang out with friends. blarg. went chalking today for the OASIS speaker on wednesday and put up a banner. because of that stuff, i'm not even going to have time to do work and yet i can't get myself to do it with the time i had today.

ankur says i don't write happy things up here so imma try harder to. andrew got meg flowers last week. someday, i will have a boy to give me flowers. (see how i made that positive?) got my subject area test score back and i passed both history and social studies, so i can be a teacher! this weekend was cool, chill. talked to rob on the phone. tamica, sham, meg and i went to see "antwone fisher," which was uplifting and makes you want to call all your family members just to catch up. last night, tamica, sham and i went to see leanna. we got rejected from "adaptation" which was sold out, got kicked out of a liquor store, and went on a mad hunt for parking and blue moon beer in the cold. we were finally successful and then we just chilled at leanna's place until 2am. poor girl is recovering from mono. we released gregorio, the beta fish, from her care and returned him to ankur.

i don't think i have any major life thoughts today. i'm doing pretty good despite the stress. i'm in much higher spirits today than earlier in the week. i'm trying not to let all the work that will come this quarter get to me just yet. i'm just going to look forward to things this month like janeane garofalo, the funkadesi concert, ankur's birthday, and the etiquette banquet. and someday going out to a club or bar. i miss drinking and it's only been a week since bri, david and i had our last pitchers at home. i hope folks have enough time for each other, but isn't that always my concern? you'd think i was paying to socialize rather than go to school from what i talk about. right now, rush is certainly keeping folks away from the non-greeks anyway. oh well. i gotta not be co-dependent on friends.

hmm, well maybe i will do something before i go to bed. or maybe not. :)

2003-01-09T22:20:00.000-06:00

it's so nice to have a job again, especially with all the cool people that work at the multicultural center. i'm excited to be back. i'm feeling like i want to get out. i kind of want to go to 1800 club, but i don't think anyone will want to go with me. oh well. talked to mom on the phone for quite a while filled her in more about classes and asked her more about the possibility of her speaking at the wilmette public library for black history month. now i'm talking to my cousin in florida online. she finished applying to four colleges (a reasonable number in my humble opinion, having only applied to 5 myself :) and she's involved in theater. anyway, nothing terribly exciting happened today, especially not the 3 hour meeting where i helped with NU teacher certification stuff. the things i volunteer for sometimes, i just don't know. ooo, i also blasted audioslave for a half an hour to counteract the loud techno next door. grrrr. and there was a party in our building last night which the guys who threw it came to our door to warn us about. stee-range. aight, on to something else for now.

2003-01-09T00:50:00.000-06:00

went to my first NU basketball game today with meg, andrew and tamica; quite fun, though we lost. who's that hot ladycat on the end? it's kim! it's kim!

ugh, i should be reading for history of the american south. so much to do already. i was kicked out of accelerated spanish on monday. booty. and realized that i am the token in education & inequality. twill be an interesting experience. hey, as long as i get to work with the kids, it's all good. mom made me feel less guilty about only taking 3 classes now and the next day she even sent me an email with the complete lyrics to annie's song "tomorrow." :) thanks mom. i needed that. the good thing about my schedule (including my two jobs! yeah for paychecks and high wages!), is that thursday nights i won't actually have to do work if i don't want to. really i should, but there will be nothing pressing on fridays until i have the two neuroscience midterms. tizz-ight.

man, is being a senior like being elderly or something? this quarter is gonna be like pulling teeth. i think i need to drink soon. david told me that he was measuring the cost of his books for this quarter at GVSU in pitchers of beer. i think break was a bad influence on our academics. oh well. it was such a relaxing break. i need to stop reminiscing about it 'cause it's gone, never to return.

2003-01-08T00:03:00.000-06:00

can i go home now? two days of school is plenty. :) yeah for planning outings. they will be the savior of my quarter, well, unless they cause me to fail my classes. :) more when there is time.

2003-01-02T14:35:00.000-06:00

changed my template 'cause i could not get my archives to stay up on the other one even though i liked it 'cause it was nice and simple. oh well.

2003-01-02T14:26:00.000-06:00

first of all, HAPPY NEW YEAR!

second of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!

coool. cheers to a new years celebration that was relatively drama free. except for sue getting a little sick and bri thinking she had called a cab when she hadn't everything was good. sue, bri, rob, david, (rob's) angela, liz, jenny, (liz's) ben and i caravaned to east lansing and brought food with us. we had a fabulous potluck dinner after a wine toast (of course, sue brought wine glasses :) and then we commenced the celebrating. david finally got me to try jager which was not so bad for tasting very much like black licorice, which is something i do not like. after we consumed other assorted beverages, we called the 14-passenger van/cabs that they have around MSU and we got a cheap ride to brianna's ben's house where there was a lovely multicultural house party going on with 3 kegs. (yeah, he got too many.) we just met folks and sort of danced, but not really, until taking all the seats in front of the tv for midnight when we had our own group champagne toast. twas very nice. poor bri was a little emotional because she was thinking of her mom, but ben and i were both there to reassure her. then i left, so that she and ben could "talk." after that was the sue getting sick part and the bri misleading us part, but really it wasn't that bad. rob, sue and angela just passed out on the couch while david and i wasted time doing nothing. we finally got back to bri's place around 3:45am. then we ate the sweet potato pie that i brought, sue and jenny passed out and the rest of us did the same in waves. new years day, we slept, packed up slowly and went for a subpar meal at steak n shake (but really aren't all meals there subpar?). all in all it was good times with a great group of people. when i got home, i watched "barbershop" with my parents and then "amelie" after they went to bed. it's still amazing that it's 2003. it's gonna take a while for that to sink in, but since this year is pretty significant i think it might just keep hitting me over and over rather than loosing the effect. :)

anywho, now that's it's finally my dad's 54th birthday, i still don't have my papers written even though i've read all the articles. blarg. i should start those today. sue's throwing a party tonight at her and liz's house in kalamazoo and i was planning on going after my dad's birthday dinner, but i dunno how good of an idea that is. we'll see what i'm thinking later. aight, happy, happy new year for now!

2002-12-29T17:29:00.000-06:00

i am not a happy camper. not only do i have assignments to do before i go back to campus, but our professor for "education and inequality" already emailed us an assignment due the first day of class. blarg. somehow i will make it through.

anyway, the real reason i wanted to write a blog entry was to briefly share my strange experiences of seeing mad people from the city high graduating class of '03 in the last two days. friday night, liz's younger sister, allison drove sue and i to meet up with the boys, david, bryan and sean at tgifriday's. the ladies of legal age had several of the long island iced tea specials, sean proved that he is a beer snob, i chilled and talked to david, we three-wayed bri on our cell phones, and then when liz was tired, allison took her home and the rest of us proceeded to taps, a much more popular bar also in downtown GR. it was maybe 45 min to closing, so like, 1:15am when we got there and it was packed since it was a friday. david and i chilled at a table while sue, sean and bryan scoped out the upstairs. at that point we had already run into allison t from city. when sue came back she said, "jen, you and dave have to come upstairs. there are some people who want to see you." we go upstairs and who is there but, cristina c, kelly d, sarah d (whose 20th birthday it was, don't ask me how they got her in), steve w, matt w, mike m, and david e. it was insane. the dance floor was already crowded and we had all been drinking so it was one of those ohmygod strange reunions. i gave people hugs and we danced a bit. i didn't really get to talk to anyone much, though i chatted with the doyle girls about me and kelly's shared birthday and sarah's move to chicago. she goes to depaul now. then i finally told david to move away from the dance floor so we could talk. i got caught up on what he's doing. i forgot his parents divorced, his sister is now 16!, his brother is hopefully graduating from hs, david's got a probably job for the "new york times"!!, and he finds out if he's going to lebanon next week. i told him about my maybe lphs job and he said if the journalism thing didn't work out he'd want to teach english at a high school which i thought was interesting. he has longish hair now, which was funny and i could tell he was taking some flack from the guys with whom he is living with in one big house at U of M. crazy. i know he branched out for a while, but now they're all back living together for senior year, so wild. anyway, i got his email and imma email him soon 'cause i was genuinely glad to see him. it was just kind of hard to process seeing that many people at one time. in one night. bryan then took sue and i home in his mom's new lexus! um yeah. ;)

so last night, sue and i were just hoping to go out for one drink, just the two of us, then after a series of phone calls, including a fun three-way with david, we ended up meeting up with bryan and sean at mulligan's pub in easttown. we learned that sean had asked his girlfriend, angie, to marry him!!! so we had to go meet up with them to chat and sue, of course, wanted to see the girl's ring. :) when we walked into smokey-alterna-mulligan's we immediately saw tall-ass bryan r and he pointed out that sue's friend from waaaaaaay back, annie r, was there. so we chatted with her and she told sue that she too was engaged! man. then as sue was talking to her, eric w from city high walked by with a mop-top hairdo and i know he saw me. i think we both did a double take and decided in our own heads to not say anything. crazy. then we walk to the back of the bar, behind a couple of pool tables, tons of smoking alterna-folk, including a couple with spikey leather jackets, we found bryan's crew and i met the notorious jake with whom bryan and sean drank 166 beers between the three of them in one night. real cool, right? ;) there was no place to sit and sue and i didn't want to stay very long so we just talked to bryan and broke the news about sean to him. he didn't take it too well and he kind of had to squat on the floor after he spilled jake's beer 'cause he was so surprised. sean and angie showed up and we talked to angie for quite a long time, being very happy for her and her large-ass many diamond-studded ring. bling-bling. sean never was one to shy away from spending money. then, nic b from high school shows up. what?!? yeah, he lost weight and had dreads, who knows what his deal is now with drugs, literally and figuratively. so there was more catching up between the boys, then sue notices that she had missed some calls. we go outside and return her call to chuck, also from high school. she tells him to come. so in ten minutes we have another reunion. he apolgized profusely to me for the sean/chuck fight of new years 2001 and he said to me that the only reason he tried to quiet down that night was because someone told him i was really mad, which i was. i thought that was cool 'cause, like sue said, chuck respected me and didn't want me to be mad at him. i told him, yeah, i was mad, but it's cool now, enough time has passed and i know that he'd been through some rough times and now has his shit together. anyway, finally, sue and i are ready to bust and go somewhere to have our quiet drink. on the way out of mulligan's, there is a girl fight which we are picking our way through to get out the door. then, on the right, sue hears someone say her name. we turn our heads and it's andrew c, josh m, and sam o! reee-dick-cue-loss. so we all go outside and have our zillionth city high reunion. as we're talking to them, becca l walks down the street to mulligans. can you say crazy?

when i counted up how many people i saw from city high in the last two days and then added my friends, bri, sue, rob, david s, and em f who we saw last week at la cantina, i determined that i have now seen 22 members of my graduating class over this winter break. considering we only had around 70-some people in our class, i'm still wigging out. once sue and i were in the van leaving easttown, we called bri on three-way in kansas 'cause the girl straight-up should have been there. she would have ate it up, seeing all those folks. it was cool to see everyone, but i was only ever really tight with cristina, kelly and david. sue and bri were much more chummy with all those other folks, but in any case, it was cool and crazy at the same time. i'm glad everyone is ok and doing their thing. it was just so random to go to two places and see so many people completely by accident. whew. can you tell that i'm still trying to process?!? sue and i ended up back at la cantina just 'cause it was open and we had to split a pitcher to try and calm down. it was cheaper anyway and i'm so proud of her for drinking beer!!! she's a trooper! though, we gotta thank bryan for introducing us to blue moon beer which is kind of sweet and really smooth, perfect for sue who is not that avid beer drinker that i am.

anyway, it's been a strange couple of days. during the day yesterday, my parents and i went to beverly hills, MI outside of detroit to visit my aunt and her two kids. we chilled with the cousins, went on a borders hunt so i could spend my gift certificate. no, i couldn't wait to go to the borders in evanston. i needed those cds now. :) with the two gift certificates, i got audioslave's debut cd, and the latest from the roots, common and talib kweli. yeah! we went to dinner at a really nice restaurant, and spent more than my parents ever want to spend on a meal, but they did it, which was tolerant of them. :) dad tasted my guinness there and was not pleased.

aight, i think that's all that's happened in the last few days that is of any interest. i really need to be reading for my soc assignments so i'd better get to that. or maybe it's time for dinner. he he. :) good procrastination on my part.

2002-12-25T12:59:00.000-06:00

merry christmas!

thanks santa for the cramps. hope you're all fairing better whether you're celebrating or just relaxing with family and friends.

2002-12-23T20:06:00.000-06:00

p.s. i can't believe tomorrow is christmas eve! where does the time go? well, nevermind. i know where it went. i slept through it.

2002-12-23T20:05:00.000-06:00

check out this page: http://www.shopodd.com/tshirts/

linnea, bri's sister found it accidentally. these shirts rock. i have to get the "say yes to michigan shirt!" and meg needs the one that says's "i eat vegetables." as soon as i have an income again, i'm buying 'em. :)

got to see my parents family friends today from college today. very cool. they were reminiscing about how well they thought all of the kids of their group of friends had turned out with very few exceptions. gotta agree. they have some very accomplished kids. also, continuing weird information about quincy who lived in PARC when i lived there, freshman year. he apparently really thought i was hot and he always asks about me when he visits sol, who is the son of one of the family friends who came over. sol went to city high school with me and is now going for a phd at either harvard or msu. so i'd say he's doing pretty well. :) i'd much rather date sol than quincy. blech. (sorry ankur, but as nice as he was, it creeps me out a bit.) so strange. anyway, gotta go wait for sue to pick me up. we'll swing and grab rob then head out to la cantina, a mexican restaurant and bar, to meet up with david and hopefully emily. this restaurant is so funny. well, we've never been there, but it's completely pink on the outside. so it's gotta be somewhat funny anyway.

2002-12-22T21:06:00.000-06:00

mom turned 53 today and we went to see "the two towers" before going to dinner at applebee's. i just wanted to say that the second "lord of the rings" movie is amazing and as one reviewer for a local paper said, "it's the fastest 3 hours of your life." i was amazed at how engrossed i was during the movie despite the kids to our left rocking our seats and the one behind me kicking my chair. i was glad that peter jackson just started the movie right where "the fellowship of the ring" left off. the movie was spectacular with lots of new creatures and more action. as expected the dialogue isn't phenomenal, but the urgency, pace and action of the plot more than make up for it. and i have to add that legolas greenleaf, the elf warrior, played by orlando bloom, is gorgeous and so bad ass in this movie, even more so than the first. i just kept leaning over to my mom in excitement because he and aragorn are kick ass heroes. gimli, the dwarf, also is hilarious and after some imdb.com investigation, my mom and i realized that he was familar because he was in two of the indiana jones movies as harrison ford's guide, sallah. tizz-ight. anyway, i told my mom that i wouldn't mind if frodo died as long as legolas and aragorn survive. if you haven't seen it yet, go asap. it's a great next segment of the full 9 hour saga. i can't believe we have to wait until december 2003 for the final film. and i really can't believe by then i'll have been working hopefully for 4 months.

oh yeah, and after we left the theater, i ran into marla love, who went to city and was a year ahead of me. it was really good to see her. ugh, and i was bummed to realize at applebee's that there is no liquor served on sunday. i completely forgot about that. tells you how much i've been in MI to go out and drink. no biggie.

we just dubbed my teaching tape and then mom opened my two birthday presents. i have things i should do, but nothing that i want to do. maybe i'll just go catch "queer as folk" which should have just started to record in the living room. then i can at least delay my boredom/procrastination for another hour.

2002-12-21T10:06:00.000-06:00

yeah! who spoke too soon about there not being snow on the ground? i did, i did. white christmas here we come. gotta love the unpredictability of MI weather mixed with el nina screwing around with the country's climate. now we just gotta keep it around for a another 3 days.

are you amazed that i'm writing an entry so early in the day? i am. i had to get up to give my dad an omlete making tutorial. he wanted an "omelete-maker" for christmas and i was like, "no fucking way." how ridiculous is that to buy an appliance that only has one usage? so hopefully he won't just wait until i'm not here to buy one. looks like i will be getting a dvd player for christmas afterall! what a nice surprise! dad got some kind of end of the year type bonus thingy. tomorrow is my mom's 53rd birthday. i think we're going to see "drumline" ha and then going to applebee's. nice, quaint american birthday, don't you think? then monday we're finally going to see "lord of the rings: the two towers." maybe i'll play in the snow too at some point. i might need to enlist the help of friends and family for that.

i just checked CAESAR to make sure i had gotten my student teaching 4.0. looks pretty nice, wish it was more of a surprise though. oh well. it's still a really good thing. too bad one quarter out of 12 can't really raise your cummulative GPA too much, not that i'm hung up on that.

alrighty, guess since i'm up, i can finally go be a productive citizen. showering would prolly be the first step. peace, i might be back later.

2002-12-19T17:33:00.000-06:00

i let everything go for a few days there. first, 'cause i spent too many days during finals week working and not working on my professional teaching portfolio. that thing nearly killed me. it did 'cause me to drive home to the g-rap without having enough sleep. thank god, for coca-cola. the real thing kept me awake for the last 100 miles. i just could not stand the idea of spending another night in evanston, not to mention that i would have been alone in the apartment, which is not always bad, but at that point, it would have just been depressing. i turned in the portfolio at 4:50pm to my supervisor, dave at sesp. he was so nice to wait for me and he sent me an email with some positive feedback about it already which made me feel better. i was worried that i had rushed to the point of creating a shoddy finished product, but not so, apparently.

so i drove home friday night with all four of my plants. fyi, i named number 3, the piney one that i had given to my dad as a present for his office, yosh. so now i have cam, pedro, and yosh. i still need to name the one in the blue bucket that bich gave to me for my 20th birthday. any ideas? it has to be a boys name because i don't have enough men in my life. :) i'm serious. i know that this pisses meg off, but it's just the way it's got to be.

anyway, i made it home safe and sound to GR at 11:30pm and i have proceeded to sleep away most of the days since then, fitting in christmas and birthday shopping for my parents when i was awake. yeah, i spent all the money mom gave me on them already. oops. now, i'm broke again. man, i can't wait until i have a job again!!! i need to send out holidays cards, finish making christmas presents, and start doing the school work that i have, but i just keep on hitting the snooze. gotta work on that. and i want to actually put myself on a diet, not a stupid one, just not eat as much or late at night. i'm feeling really self conscious and i want to look cute in my new jeans when i get back to school. :)

otherwise, what's up? hung out with stressed out sue. her cousin was deported back to lebanon on tuesday so she's been and is dealing with lots of family stuff and now with the holidays coming up, she's swamped with the usual familial obligations. girlfriend needs a real break 'cause so far, this has not been a vacation for her. bri just got home yesterday, but she's leaving tomorrow for kansas. :( but not before dropping the news that she's officially dating mariana's brother, ben morales! yeah! me so happy for her! now it's my turn, right? riiiight. i'm the continual skeptic. i'll just keep daydreaming about my pseudo prospects, none of which will come through for me. it would just be nice to know that someone out there finds me attractive!!! i know, start the pity party... hopefully, sue and bri are going to stick to there newly affirmed plans to come to chi and e-town for ankur's huge 21st b-day celebrations. if they come, i would be sooooo happy.

our annual debate has started about where to spend new years. initial ideals were NYC and chicago, but expense has ruled those out. i think after settling for the g-rap, we may be shooting for east lansing at bri's apartment which is cool with me, then we get to meet bri's man. ha ha. it will be cool. wish i could go to ohio and see dianna or something, but sometime in the future i hope. we just wanna keep it intimate, sue, bri, david, rob and myself, but it's difficult trying to balance people's preferences for formality, expense, and intimacy. bri wants to dress up. i kind of would like to go to a bar. sue wants it chill. so we've gotta figure out how to put all of that together. east lansing might be the way to do it.

aight, i think that's all the updating you need for now. there's no snow on the ground so i think we might be out of luck for a white christmas, which i love, but it's gonna be low key any way 'cause everybody's so broke. so we might as well turn down the festivities all around and just focus on the togetherness and such. my mom's birthday is on sunday and she'll be 53, then dad turns 54 on january 2nd. yes, they're getting up there. hopefully, i'll be back with some startling news over break, like, jon b and justin called and i'm trying to figure out who to date first. whatever, i'd settle for a loving email from a good friend. hint hint. :) mad love people.

2002-12-10T03:05:00.000-06:00

yeah, for bowling with good friends and the boys of lambda chi alpha! i love it when people collectively cut loose. and i definitely really enjoy the company of a good many of the LXA folk. also, nice to see leanna two nights in a row. next time, i'll take a stand for waveland bowl. :) ==>less rock, less $, and less broken lanes. though i was proud of myself for straight up just talking to the boy in the incubus sweatshirt. too bad that i think he was scared of me. boo, for my right car headlight that does not work. guess, i'd better drive back to MI in the daytime. yeah, for me making myself be in a good mood all day! it was a struggle at times, but i did it. too bad i've still fucked things up to a certain degree. boo, for still having a long way to go on my portfolio. yeah, for going to lunch with kristen s! i'm so glad she's back from london even though the northwestern environment makes us both feel shitty and stressed a lot of the time. boo, for buzz making her feel like crap. why do boys always have to do that!?! yeah, the CPS bus tour in the morning! boo, that i have to get up early and i'm not tired now because my sleeping schedule is all messed up. yeah, for going to 1800 club tomorrow night with friends! boo, for spending more money. i need to end on a yeah...yeah, for parallel construction. oh, that's lame...

2002-12-08T14:52:00.000-06:00

why do i let myself get trapped by my insecurities? i hate feeling weak and alone. i try to be so strong and supportive of other people that i let my feelings eat away at my insides and then all at once i cave in. of course, during stressful times, anyone is more succeptible, but i hate it being me. i also hate being the whiny friend and i think i even hate the fact that posting my feelings online is my form of release. i think i should just go crawl in a hole where i can be pitiful and not inflict myself on anyone else.

2002-12-08T01:17:00.000-06:00

yeah, for jon being 21 and for bich visiting! damn all the stress and heartache of NU. i think that's pretty much all. nothing's changed. i'm still the same.

2002-12-06T15:17:00.000-06:00

i survived a "queer as folk" marathon last night and into the early morning. thanks to allan for hosting and ankur for staying awake. it's pretty funny how after a while, i became desensitized to the half-naked men and such. i guess a good 6-7 episodes in a row will do that to you, or just me.

i'm finding it really strange that now that i have some time to think about things other than teaching that i keep thinking about getting ass. i think i've completely given up on the relationship idea and moved onto my lack of sheer physical intimacy. hmmm, maybe i ought not to watch shows like "queer as folk" then, eh. i think i just need to feel attractive, which i seldom comfortably feel. oh well, nothing's gonna change so i might as well just continue to joke about being sexually frustrated and deprived. :)

anyway, hope kim's fever goes down and that kristen's test date with bruce is fun at least. thanks to meg for turning in my mentor application. pray that i can get my act together and get my work done so i can just go back to the g-rap for some more r & r and a little work on the side.

2002-12-05T01:45:00.000-06:00

"the hot music, the hot music!" sometimes you just gotta blow off your work and go to the house of blues for "the roots" concert. thanks sarah for being my last minute date. twas good bonding time fro sho. i don't like a lot of things more than going to concerts or hearing good live music. i think the enjoyment and exhileration of the music almost makes the sweaty coat check line after the show worthwhile. thanks to mr. young of LPHS for the tickets! the whole thing only cost me $7 plus gas. sarah and i just had to pay for nice and cheap parking and checking our coats. though i can finally legally have a wristband i wasn't in the mood to drink.

if only this week was a complete blow off week. everyone thinks that because my student teaching is over that i have no work. well, you're all wrong! i have to take two certification tests on saturday which really have a lot more of an affect on my career than my grades and i have to put together a mammoth professional portfolio before i can go home. thank god, i'm a procrastinator or i might be worried right now. :) i know it will all come together somehow. just wish i could flash forward to that point. aight, time for a little me time then bed. i've got a full day of work ahead of me tomorrow if i can get my act together. g'night.

2002-12-01T17:37:00.000-06:00

it's now about 6pm on the sunday after thanksgiving. i got out of bed maybe an hour and a half ago. that's pretty much representative of my thanksgiving this year. ankur came home with me and we slept, slept some more, watched tv & movies, worked on veyom's UC essay with my mom, ate, ate some more, and went out a couple of time with my wonderful friends from home. being away from sue, bri, david and rob (and his sister speedie) makes me so thankful for the time we do get to just relax and be ourselves together. those people understand me and put up with me like no others. it was great that ankur fit right in. i always knew he would and it's just that much more fun and comfortable when everyone's there and it's so natural. hope he doesn't really regret "never have i ever." i also hope ankur doesn't think that me and the g-rap are too boring 'cause we really didn' t do much of anything. but i think that is partially what we needed after what has been a jam packed fall quarter. time has been going by so quickly and it was nice to just relax. so big thanks to ankur for coming and being lazy with me. hopefully i wasn't too nosy or clingy. i just care a lot about him and it was really nice to have him at home with me. i know my parents were glad too. they LOVE spending time with ALL my friends from home and have been glad to host thanksgiving, but my mom i think was thankful just for having an intimate group where she didn't feel like she had to prepare a lot more than if it were just me coming home. i wish i didn't have to go back to evanston on tuesday; these few days have been so relaxing. evanston is just synonymous with stress, which i think i wrote in my last entry. when i come home my friends and i have things to work on, but nothing is so pressing that it can't be blown off in favor of chillin' at someone's house or going to grab a bite to eat. we do keep it simple in the g-rap, but at this point that's all that i want. to just sit close to your friends on a comfy couch, laugh and then watch a scary movie is so perfect.

i'm going to try to cram in quality time with my NU friends this week in between everyone's frantic race to get through finals and me through my portfolio and certification tests, so that i can come home and have a wonderful holiday with my parents and midwestern friends. then maybe i'll be recharged enough to get through my last two quarters at NU. though my classes should be really, really interesting (at least winter quarter), the things i'm looking forward to most are ankur's birthday (sue and bri might come!!!), kim's birthday, watching "queer as folk," going to the green mill for jon's birthday next week, seeing kristin when she's back from DC, going to visit bri at MSU and sue at K, saying goodbye to the OWL kids, seeing tamica's last philharmonia concert and ankur in danceworks and kim's last sig-o show, hitting up some more bars and clubs, visiting the kids from LPHS for prom and graduation, sham & kristen's birthdays in the spring, and then senior week. i'm looking forward to all the fun relaxing times when people just cut loose, are themselves, or are doing what they really love, not when they are their stressed out alter egos. i don't regret much that i've done in college, especially extra activities, but i am going to regret it if i don't make sure that i enjoy the time and the people that i care so much about. coming home and being with people i have known so long always makes me remember what's really important. i know i'm going to be friends with them for the rest of my life and i want to make sure that i can say the same thing about my friends from northwestern. we all have to make the grades, but i will be much more upset later over not being close to someone than getting a B in a class. when i'm at home my priorities are shaped so much more by my heart rather than my head and that's when i'm so much happier.

sorry for the diatribe, but i think you know what i'm saying. so again, thank you parents (you're the best), ankur, sue, bri, david, and rob. i love you. last thanksgiving of college is almost over.

2002-11-28T19:36:00.000-06:00

chillin' in the g-rap, ah, good times. just finished drying the dishes with ankur after my mom did the dirty work. it's so nice to be here, taking a break from all the stress of school. it's too bad though that evanston turns into this place that is only associated with work, little sleep and not enough time for friends. i wish everyone could have been around this past summer to really enjoy evanston and chicago. we all had to work to pay the bills, but our free time was free time. makes life after college seem really appealing, to me at least. except the part where everyone leaves and on to different places. not that my first year of teaching is going to be without extra work. ha. more like, teaching always has work that must be done outside of the school walls.

anyway, i thought it would be nice to have a blog 'cause it would serve as a kind of journal, but seriously, you don't want to write EVERYTHING that you're thinking online. :) damn, foiled again. aight, i'm not in the mood to disclose any more than i've already not said. peace out for now.

2002-11-27T01:18:00.000-06:00

tizz-ight, i'm going home tomorrow for thanksgiving. let's hope that i can stay awake to drive through the snow. tomorrow is also my last official day at LPHS which is exciting and sad at the same time. i know there's going to be a surprise party or something in psychology. i'm going to miss the kids and the cool teachers, but who knows, maybe i'll be there next year starting my career.

man, i have way too many things and people running through my head right now to get it all out. stuffing the car tomorrow, running into patrick yesterday, possible datable people that i will not end up dating, having to make my professional portfolio, the bastards in the apartment above us who have no consideration for what time it is and play their music, the cleaning issues with my apartmentmates, the stress levels rising in all my friends, the fact that i am BROKE with christmas fast appoaching, and on and on. i'll try to expound if i'm in the mood when i'm at home. right now it's time for sleep.

2002-11-25T22:32:00.000-06:00

fyi, the adhesuve heating pads are called "Thermacare: Therapeutic HeatWrap" and they are available at CostCo and their website. they are made for your arm and neck, but yo, i think we all know that sometimes there are other places in much more need of warmth and pain relief. they definitely work. i'd do an infomercial for these things already and i've only tried them once. word.

2002-11-25T22:23:00.000-06:00

it's gonna be really funny to see who discovers my new blog 'cause i've decided not to really mention it. we'll just see who stumbles upon it while checking my AIM away or profile where i have lovingly added the blogger link. having this thing seems really dangerous. it could easily serve as a tool of procrastination. it could serve as a venue to unleash a verbal fury on the unsuspecting masses. or it could serve as a safe space for some publicly accessible therapy.

right now, it's helping me kill time while i wait for this ibueprofen to work. man. thank alissa for this wonderful adhesive, heating pad, that i have been wearing since 3pm today. i would really like to shake the hand of the person who invented it. i would recommend that all you females go out and buy them. i think they are called something like thermapad. i'll look it up and get back to you.

i only have 2 more required days left at lincoln park high school and i'm definitely having mixed emotions. i'm really going to miss most of the kids, especially the seniors, but i definitely need a break from the never ending planning and sleep deprivation. it's really been a wakeup call to the ins and outs of the teaching profession. i know i can cut it, but it's crazy to think that i have to be up for it already next year. on campus, as a senior here at NU, i feel old, but at lphs, i feel like a child sometimes trying to tell all the students what to do. it's been a wonderful experience despite the emotional highs and lows. i definitely feel wiser for having gone through it and lived to tell the tale. now, i just have to hope that this job offer really does end up coming through for me. i know i should keep my options open, but lphs is pretty ideal school to work for if i stick to my promise and work for CPS. especially when i know and am comfortable with so many of the staff members already. i'll just have to keep my fingers crossed and work on figuring out how to find an apartment in the city that i might be able to afford.

aight, perhaps some work and then sleep.

2002-11-25T19:12:00.000-06:00

phone's ringing, oh my god. i have just, on the spur of the moment, decided to enter blogville and make a space for my own random assortment of thoughts on the web. who knows if anyone out there will care or if i will even have the patience and determination to regularly post my hopes, dreams, and frustrations. for now, one can only hope.